I used to cry myself to sleep at night, telling myself that I wasn't dumb. I would lay awake and try to figure out how people rationalized that I was stupid. I was painfully shy, genuinely awkward, and had no social skills. I couldn't carry on a conversation, and still can't (that's why I write and am drawn like a moth to social media, because I can have a thought and time to process it); but stupid always seemed harsh. I could, and still can, write a paper on any subject, and I could and still can appreciate textbooks. The talking part was where I failed. And let's face it, no matter what I say people always assume that I am in a bad mood. My father, a man, was the person whom I most mimicked because I saw him give many speeches and sermons in my life. He was my role model for public speaking. When men become passionate about speaking women get turned on; but when women become passionate about speaking....people turn on you.
I got used to being "ugly". I can remember the first time a boy called me ugly. I remember him and no, we're not friends on Facebook. I was in Kindergarten. Ugly was something I understood. I looked different. As I grew up I realized ugly was in the eye of the beholder, but I knew I would never be what the world called pretty so I aimed for somewhere between normal and invisible. I stopped wearing makeup when I turned 30. Okay, except for Mary Kay's Black Cherry lip color. I sleep in it. If you ever have to run from a burning building in the middle of the night: Mary Kay lip color.
I went to college right after high school. I then returned quite a few times. I do have a degree, but some days I just want to barge into that college and demand ALL the degrees that I have earned. I should have been more thoughtful about graduation, but I wasn't in college for the degrees. I went back to college over and over again because I loved the knowledge. I loved the youth movement, I loved seeing the world differently each time I returned. I dream about being a full time student, but some days, some days I just really want all those degrees to hold in people's faces and say, "See! I am not stupid!" I realize that many kids graduate with a four or six year degree and they still don't understand supply and demand, evolution, or the difference between civil and civics. I completely understand that a degree isn't worth the paper it's written on...what matters is what you've retained, and how college has shaped you.
So what did I learn from college? I learned that yes, I am dumb. As I look at the people that I love, I realize I am on the losing end, and this time it is okay. Lilli, sometime last week, was going on about genetics. Now, I understand the basics, but Lil was going on and on. I had to take a deep breath and assume that looking-at-the-floor position so she wouldn't see the deer-in-the-headlights look on my face. I was impressed with her, but I couldn't hold up my end of the conversation. And that's okay.
I now have a lot of people in my life who are just plain smarter than me. By your 40's you should be pretty much done with growing and changing, right? Well, not in this house. I am a very different person today than I was a year ago...because I am dumb enough to surround myself with people who sometimes have to repeat things for me, but I like it. I don't want to be at the top of that sort of evolutionary link, I enjoy being bombarded each day with facts that I have to research and ideas that I have to think about. I never want to be "the smart one" in my little group. I want and hope you will always challenge yourself to find people that know things that you don't know, have been places you've never been, and want things that you can't imagine.
I no longer cry because I'm stupid, okay, I rarely cry anymore at all, but I no longer feel bad about myself. I know what I am: a constant student, a thirsty learner. And for people who tell me that I can't possibly know the answers to EVERYTHING...yes, yes I can. It will just take a little longer. Come back next year and you'll see a different me.
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