You Put the Sugar in my Lollipop

   I was hanging out last night with my girlfriends. We were laughing and making fun of each other when I made a statement that I often make: My family may not be mentally adept, but we are awesome physical specimens. We live a lot longer than we actually need to! It's funny because we really don't know the ages of some of my aunts and uncles. They just keep on living. It makes me smile, but I also found myself thinking some deep thoughts about life on the drive home. So as the song goes, "This one's for the girls".

    There is this urban legend that I'm sure you have heard. The rumor is that girls always judge themselves then look around a room full of strangers to see who is "like" them, minus a point or two, and go make friends accordingly. In other words, women like to be around other women who are (almost) as pretty as they are. Evolutionarily speaking women want to be the prettiest so they can get first choice of mate. So I began thinking about my girlfriends...oh my. Okay, so I am their ugly duckling. I can handle this....maybe...okay in truth let's look at my good points. I can outrun them when I insult them and I can totally walk and chew gum at the same time. I know the best authors and can hold conversations about major rock bands of the 1980's. I also have good jewelry.
    I, believe it or not,  was in the car alone so I had 15 minutes of free thinking time. How my mind wandered. It wandered to the girls who have had to read things to me when my brain just couldn't make out the words. It wandered to the girls who call me late at night when I was already in bed but couldn't sleep because the anxiety of being alone was just too much. It wandered to the girls who trust me with their kids.
   I began to consider what I got out of all these relationships. I will gladly be the ugly duckling if I get to create this beautiful web of friendship that will one day catch my own girls. My girls grow up with great thinkers, artists, environmental educators, health care providers, teachers, musicians, and charity workers. Not all of my girlfriend have babies, but you'd never guess it by how they treat my girls. It just comes naturally to them. My girls have movie dates with my friends. They get ready for prom with my friends. They lunch with my friends. The real lesson that my girls learn is that girlfriends are so much more important than sleep, boys, or even food.
   
   I have no idea how long I am here for, I have no idea if that 'outlive your expiration date' curse will have and hold me, but I know that if I have to leave my girls tomorrow that they have people who love them and who will catch them in this beautiful web. Thank you to all those girls.

2 Women Gave Birth to the Same Baby

    Two babies are born.
One is born into poverty.
The second is born into a royal family.
Both are dependent upon the state for their food, clothing, and shelter.

    The mother who brings home a child that will grow up in poverty hears things like this:

"You should have aborted him rather than make me pay for his Oreos and your beer"
"You should have given him up for adoption rather than making him suffer."
"If my tax dollars are raising him then you better raise him right."
"Stupid bitch, ever heard of contraception?"
" How many kids does that make for you?"

   The mother living in a lavish home hears this:

"I hope he's ugly and mentally retarded."
"Don't you have to have an heir and a spare? "
"I am entitled to know and actually SEE what is being done with that child, he belongs to all of us."
"Oh, poor baby has how many nannies? Does he even know his own mother?"
"Thank G-d the first was a boy. Now you can stop worrying."

There will be moments when both moms have a private moment with their children. A beautiful quiet night of cuddling together and bonding. A night of promises and hand holding. Moms may come in all shapes and sizes and economic status, but today I hold both moms up in the light and hope that both may know peace and love. I hope both have kids that have few hospital visits and even less dental bills. Tonight I hope for a world that will know both children as only "human"- capable of love and capable of teaching us something.
   If you have to look down on women who live in poverty to make you feel self-righteous then you are the reason that they still live in poverty. You could always get up and help.  Jesus called the little children TO him. And with kids, comes parents with baggage. You either accept them or admit that you don't know love. If you look down on the royals because they have everything and have never worked for their castle, then jealousy is a mighty lover. You may need to find love for the children, all the children of the world, and recognize that their parents also come with baggage.

Tonight I hope that both moms get to know their kids, and that both kids will grow up to be wonderful human beings who don't hear the negative and won't allow themselves to be put down, hated, and called names.    You can always tell the people who hate themselves- they hate everybody else and make lots of excuses as to why. Here's to hoping both kids are color blind and have no interest in war. Here's to hoping for education and the yearning for knowledge.

Here's to love.

I am not a Mower

   There is a lot to say about how our lives have changed since the fire. The one thing that I have focused on has been the yard. The front yard was just empty and sterile after we moved back. Today it would seem to any passing motorist that I am trying to make the house disappear. There is what can only be called "a lot" of green. I think  that after losing so much of my privacy and feeling so vulnerable that maybe I am seeking refuge now behind wood and leaf.
    When I purchased the house I did so because of the big back yard. I thought of the hours that my boys would spend out there. They have too. There have been ballgames and potato wars and sword fights.  The back yard has become a shelter for one of the kids. A place where he can be surrounded by the woods and become lost in his thoughts. I still mow part of the backyard, but since moving home and seeing how the woods grew without our constant mowing and care, I have given up the weed eater for good. The hill on the right side of our property no longer runs brown when it rains. The bushes have grown up and erosion is no longer a problem. The woods have left the back 8 feet of our property and have crawled down the right hand side of the property. Perhaps soon I will no longer look up and  see the neighbor's house.
    Michael still has his fruit trees, his blackberries, and his grapes. What I now have includes bunnies, frogs, and an assortment of birds. I also have the funniest caterpillars that I have ever seen. Letting part of the woods go wild means that I can hear birds even in the dead of night. I can see all sorts of spiders and bugs. The fireflies  have a dark place where they can seek out mates. I even saw a groundhog in the neighbor's yard and I am taking full credit for that. Lynn Cherry taught me that if you do nothing more than put a hula hoop out in your yard and refuse to mow that small space you will see lots of bugs and may be lucky enough to get a new variety of plant. I have a dogwood that I didn't have to buy. I have lilies that I didn't have to buy.
   Even though we live in town there are moments when I can forget. I can forget about a lot. Nature heals.

be careful little ears what you hear

    I have issue with people who say that those who sit on these pews "deserve" what they get. As one who sat on a pew in a similar church and was raised by people who were just as aggressive, but without the hugging; I am telling you that the people who sit in these special pews in these special churches really believe that most churches conduct themselves this very way. The people, especially the children,  who grow up in these very special churches really have no idea that they are worthy or special or loved or talented or useful. They have ingested the ideology that they are sick and bad and that they live in a sick and bad world. They cannot "walk away". The brain has been wired to believe that guilt and shame is a way of normal life.
   I don't know if you believe in G-d, and that's not why I'm here. I don't care if you believe in G-d and I certainly am not offended if you believe in a different brand of spirit than I do, but I'm here to tell you this: The first thing I learned about my pagan friends is that they have one rule only. Do No Harm. They are free to live their lives without presuming judgement as long as they don't actively seek to harm anything or anyone. I had never...not in my whole life....ever....even fathomed that I could live and just be kind. Just be myself. Just do good works. Just focus on my relationship with me and my spirit.

    If you believe in G-d please accept my invitation to find a relationship with a loving nurturing G-d who doesn't send mean people to tell you that you are failing at life. And if you don't believe in G-d then please reach out to your friends and relatives who are being verbally and emotionally abused by people who think that they can speak for G-d and commit emotional blackmail on their congregants.

   I am emotionally drained and am having anxiety. I see a fetal position in my future after my kids go to bed.  If you were raised in a place like this, forgive me if this brings you pain. I feel your pain. I am bruised and broken even right now remembering all the  times I was called out, humiliated, shamed and scorned.
   I love you. I trust you. But I will never send my kids to church with you even on VBS night because I don't know what happens in that sanctuary of yours. And sadly, the beauty that I see in your heart does not deserve to be abused in this way on Sunday morning. I did not sit on a naughty bench of a pew for many months and thankfully I never took my kids to a church that allowed this sort of action. This behavior is nothing short of a Jim Jones meltdown when he stood on the Bible proclaiming his worth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSJt-LHMNRY&feature=youtu.be