Because She Needs to Hear It

    While the house burned, I sat on Pastor's couch thinking that nothing would ever be okay again. His words to me were, "Do what you have to do." No anger, no excuses. Just get from here, a bad place, to "okay". Point A to point B. Sometimes we really cannot set our standards any higher than going from point A to point B. It seemed like an uphill battle. Along my way I took out some people, clung to some people, and had a few breakdowns.
   A year later, I anticipated the anniversary of the house fire with dread and remorse. That week Walt died. I sat on Pastor's couch and he said, "Do what you need to do." I did. I spoke at my father's funeral, not because I was asked to, but because I needed to show people that I, my family, and Marsha were okay. We had walked from point A to point B. We ended up at a funeral home. Along the way I took out some people, clung to some people, and and had a few breakdowns. But I was there. And I had a lot of people to thank.
   I returned to Pastor's couch and said, "What a great gift Walt gave me."  Pastor look confused. I explained...I lived in fear of this week. I have been dreading the confusion, the anxiety, the horror that I was sure would replay in my head come the 13th of March. Walt gave me a beautiful opportunity to to forget my own troubles, my own fears, and put it behind me. How could a fire in a house compare to the fire that Walt created throughout his life. The burning embers of friends who still call and still want to speak with him. The bright shining lights that do not belong to fire trucks, but to beautiful people who sit by his headstone saying, "Man I wish you were here." I saw a different fire that week. I saw a strong fire that cannot be put out with water. I saw that I was strong, brave and "okay". The house was no longer the center of my attention, people were. My people.
     I walked along 15th  Street  in DC each day I was there. It was my path from point A to point B. Each day I was greeted from a doorstep by an elderly man who held up his hand and said, "Hello family." His smile , his open arms. When I said, "You are a happy man." he responded with, "I'm alright. Everybody should know they alright." Then he smiled. He was homeless and he was at peace with where he was.
    When you have walked through your fire, learned how to go from point A to point B, been given a second chance, you need to embrace the fact that you are "okay".  We will have easy days, but on your hardest days don't you ever believe that the universe is after you,  it's after all of us. Together.  One day you will figure out how to live fully, completely. One day you will sit and know that you are alright, until then, do what you have to do. Take out some people, cling to some people, have a few breakdowns, but always know that there is somebody out there willing to give you a break, a reprieve from your nightmares and let you focus on your strength. When you have that opportunity, grab it and let go of a little of your pain. Replace the burnt wood with some seasoned  people. Replace the water soaked clothes with some baptism in your own pool of beauty. Give yourself a chance to let go of a little anger. Walk your path and make peace with wherever you wind up. You are going to be alright.
 
        Start walking beautiful. You are on your way to "okay"  ~Mama Shey

Dear Lilli: Mom's Dead LOL

" I am telling you how I came to die. It took 40 years. You don't die all of a sudden."~ Rilke.

    I do not care if I die the day before the ballgame: Play it.
    I do not care if I die hours before opening night: Take the stage.
    Your life is yours and it only belonged to me for awhile, I enjoyed every minute of you. Enjoy yourself.

 Respect, in life as in death, has nothing to do with good times, grand times, or harsh times. It has to do with the everyday. My death will be just another day to most people. It should be to you also. There is no lack of respect for me if you take care of yourself. I  will still be there. I will still be there in that moment when you lose your keys, break a plate in anger, are tempted to buy Jonas a pink cheer leading uniform for Christmas. I will still be there in your sarcasm and when you forget where you left Michael. Respecting me, in death, means knowing that we are okay and have always been okay in our relationship.
   As you come together for whatever type of funeral you have arranged  the phrases, "She was crazy.", "I thought she'd never die.", and "Do you think I was adopted?" do not need to be shared out loud.  Just remember to laugh. Death, though serious, is not a depressing, lost-cause sort of state. It is as natural as smiling. As natural as child birth. It is what happens. My only real request is that you make it seem as if I died in a great and nonsensical way. I would love to be a Trivial Pursuit question.  The phrase, "She spoke in an odd fashion and dressed in strange clothes" should be on the bulletin. And try to work in some Bob Marley. Maybe you can collect some cool people to play "Morning has Broken", reggae style.

   When it is all over I hope you break bread together, have a good meal. Drink, talk,, laugh and eat ice cream. It's what we do. I'm still there.  Cremate me. Spread my ashes in the woods beside the nature trail. Just let the physical me go. I am not a shadow in the kitchen any longer. I am not sitting beside you trying not to spill my drink while you drive, I am not in the rose bushes trying to deadhead the flowers. I am in Tika's tiny hands. I am in Jonas' cartwheels, I am in Michael's hugs, I am in Samuel's sprint, and I am in Lilli's anger.
   Respect me in death by letting each other be individuals. Nobody ever has to meet any one else's expectations in this family. Be yourself and show kindness, especially to those who are most angry and most lost. And if you ever need to explain to someone why you aren't "sad enough" or  pensive enough, all you need to say is, "Did you know her?" 
   We don't feel guilty in this family for things said or unsaid. We are a family that says shut up as much as we say I love you. We mock one another's fears, but always have room in the bed when the piano plays alone in the dark. We are honest above all else. The one thing I will always remember is Sam saying, "I like it when Lilli's angry because I know she'll protect  us." In anger and fear we turn to protect each other. This is no different. Protect each other and I will still be there.
 
   I know that you are okay. A parent gets very few years to help mold her children, I got those years and then watched. You all are okay. You all are capable of making decisions and living decent lives. The world is hard, you don't have to be. The world is fast, you don't have to be. The world is full of selfishness, you don't have to be. Be who you are. Share. Listen to music. Take time to drive for fun. Color. Create. Cook. Find a charity and stick with it.  Buy blankets that make you happy. Send birthday cards. Treat people as if they are going to be somebody some day. Treat yourself like you are somebody. Hold a stranger's hand in their time of sorrow. Practice every religion until you find your truth. Baptise yourself in the water at South Mountain.  Spend the extra money and stay in town. Walk, don't take the subway. Take the subway, don't take  a cab. Leave the country at least once. Keep a journal. Take pictures. Collect something. Don't sleep in a house with people you don't like. Don't sleep with the TV on. Keep the refrigerator full of food you love. Money is fluid, you'll get more. Be humble in your greatest moment, be proud in your least. Don't ever be someone else's drama. Make friends then  make time for them.

   I don't care what you grow up to be, just be honest about who you are. See people and yourselves for what you are capable of being: the hero and the bad guy. Just don't be the victim. Allow yourself  a day of grief, not a moment and not a year. Stick up for the underdog, especially when it's you. Find a mentor. Be what you wanted to be when you were little. Then change jobs and be something else. Be as many things as you can be. The library is your best friend. If you can't be good, at least be an interesting character. Cheer loudly. 
Dear Lilli: Mom's dead, Lots Of Love. You were the best thing that ever happened to me.
    Lillian: " As I lay me down to sleep, yes I pray, you will hold me dear. Though I'm far away I'll whisper your name into the sky. And I will wake up happy."

    Michael: " Oh, I love you the most always giving up the ghost in your own private conversations. You're a sweet mystery and there's nothing in between you and the Mona Lisa."

   Samuel: " Where it was dark now there's light. Where there was pain now there's joy. Where there was weakness, I found my strength. All in the eyes of a boy"

    Jonas: "It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life."

    Alice: "I am Rosemary's granddaughter. The spitting image of my father. And when the day is done
My mamma's still my biggest fan ."


May you not need this anytime soon...but when you do, I have left little bits of me all over your world. I will always be right here.

This Space Reserved for Tolerance

    Lilli: So, today at school one of the cheerleaders walked into our class and started screaming at his ex-boyfriend. The teacher actually had to call for security because he wouldn't calm down.

    Me: I hope one of you people got that on video.

     Lilli: Uhhhm, no.

    Me: I can't believe nobody at your school is in the closet. What is that like? Not to have to hide anything?

    Lilli: We don't have closets at our school, unless you're talking about the janitor. Nobody wants to hide out with him.