While the house burned, I sat on Pastor's couch thinking that nothing would ever be okay again. His words to me were, "Do what you have to do." No anger, no excuses. Just get from here, a bad place, to "okay". Point A to point B. Sometimes we really cannot set our standards any higher than going from point A to point B. It seemed like an uphill battle. Along my way I took out some people, clung to some people, and had a few breakdowns.
A year later, I anticipated the anniversary of the house fire with dread and remorse. That week Walt died. I sat on Pastor's couch and he said, "Do what you need to do." I did. I spoke at my father's funeral, not because I was asked to, but because I needed to show people that I, my family, and Marsha were okay. We had walked from point A to point B. We ended up at a funeral home. Along the way I took out some people, clung to some people, and and had a few breakdowns. But I was there. And I had a lot of people to thank.
I returned to Pastor's couch and said, "What a great gift Walt gave me." Pastor look confused. I explained...I lived in fear of this week. I have been dreading the confusion, the anxiety, the horror that I was sure would replay in my head come the 13th of March. Walt gave me a beautiful opportunity to to forget my own troubles, my own fears, and put it behind me. How could a fire in a house compare to the fire that Walt created throughout his life. The burning embers of friends who still call and still want to speak with him. The bright shining lights that do not belong to fire trucks, but to beautiful people who sit by his headstone saying, "Man I wish you were here." I saw a different fire that week. I saw a strong fire that cannot be put out with water. I saw that I was strong, brave and "okay". The house was no longer the center of my attention, people were. My people.
I walked along 15th Street in DC each day I was there. It was my path from point A to point B. Each day I was greeted from a doorstep by an elderly man who held up his hand and said, "Hello family." His smile , his open arms. When I said, "You are a happy man." he responded with, "I'm alright. Everybody should know they alright." Then he smiled. He was homeless and he was at peace with where he was.
When you have walked through your fire, learned how to go from point A to point B, been given a second chance, you need to embrace the fact that you are "okay". We will have easy days, but on your hardest days don't you ever believe that the universe is after you, it's after all of us. Together. One day you will figure out how to live fully, completely. One day you will sit and know that you are alright, until then, do what you have to do. Take out some people, cling to some people, have a few breakdowns, but always know that there is somebody out there willing to give you a break, a reprieve from your nightmares and let you focus on your strength. When you have that opportunity, grab it and let go of a little of your pain. Replace the burnt wood with some seasoned people. Replace the water soaked clothes with some baptism in your own pool of beauty. Give yourself a chance to let go of a little anger. Walk your path and make peace with wherever you wind up. You are going to be alright.
Start walking beautiful. You are on your way to "okay" ~Mama Shey
Just lovely....
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