It started with a lump in my breast. Then came a year of startling revelations. I didn't want to have cancer and I didn't want to die holding a son that would never remember his mommy. I was scared and heartbroken. In the end a quick simple out patient procedure found nothing abnormal, but I had decisions to make. Did I want anymore children? The answer was no. Having kids was wonderful, but the thought of leaving one behind that couldn't write his name much less pronounce mine was crushing. After much, much, much deliberation it was decided that my husband would have a vasectomy. It would be a selfless act on his part.
And then we waited. day 4, day 12, day 22, day 29.....sigh.....It was day 29 that did it.
I was in a raw panic. Sheer torture. What the hell just happened.
Day 104. Albert say "I was wondering when you were going to tell me...."
She came into the world bringing with her a softness I had never seen. A beauty and gentleness that I had never allowed myself to tap into. She was plump and round and glowing. It took hours to name her. She was so very tiny. Her willpower brought her here. And nothing has been the same since. They say that some children bring families together. She reminds us every day that she is the center of our universe.
Alice is quick witted, even tempered, and loyal. The problem is that she is so very different from me and Lilli that sometimes we are out of our element with her. And unfortunately we don't get a say so about it. When she was 2 we were looking through a magazine. She found a picture of Diane Kruger (Helen of Troy). Alice points and says, "Do you think that's my real mommy?" She has always been fascinated with trying to find and bond with her own people. We may pass a make-up counter and have to stop because she found some stunning blond that she needs to get to know. She talks consistently about a door on the other side of the sun that leads back to her own world. Alice may love us but I know that she feels urged on by something deeper that wants her to go, meet, grab, grasp, soar. She is looking for those that aren't just lovely on the outside but have the same willpower: The generous of spirit, the rah-rahs that cheer you on regardless of the score, those that believe in fairies and magic. She knows she is fabulous but she questions why we don't see ourselves that way.
I have found a new love of lipstick, make-up, high heels, nail polish, and Reese Peanut Butter Cups thanks to this tiny loud mouthed charmer. She reminds me each day that you need to wear something that makes you look pretty. You need to feel pretty. You need to feel worthy. What is keeping you from smiling when there is so much music playing? What is holding you back and killing your willpower? I will forever be grateful to day 29 and the abundance of life it brought when I thought I was done with new life. I have gone from being the younger mom in the elementary school to being the older. I have gone from hating breakfast to understanding that there is a deep spiritual bond found in sausage and chocolate cake at 7.30 in the morning. I have remembered why it's so important to pray over the flowers after they are planted and talk to them as they grow in sweltering heat. I have had to stop and talk to people that I have nothing in common with because she finds them interesting and worthy.
We are all beautiful, interesting and worthy. You have your own willpower and why the hell don't you wear lipstick when you're angry? It really does make you less angry.... And don't forget to eat your chocolate.
Happy Birthday Tika Rae.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
you have to want it
I had this dream last night that I was in the van with Lilli. I was driving, but I was struggling to see out every window. I finally realized it was because the steering wheel was in the back seat. The brakes were in the driver's seat, and I couldn't see out the appropriately placed mirrors. It was a moment of panic for me as I careened through beautiful downtown Newton.
When Michael was born he had a rare heart problem. Supra ventricular tachycardia. His heart beat too too fast. He was taken to Winston Salem at 10 days old to stay in the Brenner Children's Hospital in the PICU unit. Things were difficult. Treatment at times seemed barbaric. He did not get better after 3 days, 4 days...it just seemed bizarre that this 10 pound baby could be "sick". I sat down one day beside of him and said these words, "You have to want this. I can't do anything for you. You have to WANT to live. I want you here, but I can't solve this problem. This isn't about me anymore. This is completely out of my hands. This is between you and g-d and you have to WANT to live. You have to WANT to fight. I love you and I will be here for you, but I can't want this enough for both of us. You have to have a passion to survive. I have to make peace with this today and know that you have the willpower to decide something."
I can assure you that Michael doesn't remember the words that I said, but every year Michael walks into my life and says, "Hey, I'm gonna go do...." Sometimes he ends the sentence with bowling. Sometimes it's baseball. Sometimes it's the Bill Gates School of Health and Science. I never know what he is going to do next. I only know that he trusts his visceral. He instinctively knows what is good for him. It's an understanding that we have in this house that Michael knows what's best for Michael and I rarely cross the line in telling he can or can't do anything.
So, why am I driving the car from the backseat? Sometimes we want to physically take our children somewhere. Sometimes we think we know what is best. The truth is that when we overstep our bounds and tell our kids who they "need" to be then we are getting into the backseat. The kid isn't driving the car, but neither are we. I have been given things all my life. Whether it was money or jobs or clothes, but what did those things mean to me at the time? Probably not a lot. I learned in my thirties that I have to truly thirst for something for it to have meaning. You can't tell me how to live and then expect me to respect you. Control of somebody else just isn't the answer. If they can't hear their own voice over yours then there is a serious problem. And neither of you is going to be able to reach the brakes.
~Self control is a wonderful thing, but you'll never learn it if nobody ever gives you control over yourself. Make a decision, even a wrong one, but make one for yourself and do it today. ~Mama Shey.
When Michael was born he had a rare heart problem. Supra ventricular tachycardia. His heart beat too too fast. He was taken to Winston Salem at 10 days old to stay in the Brenner Children's Hospital in the PICU unit. Things were difficult. Treatment at times seemed barbaric. He did not get better after 3 days, 4 days...it just seemed bizarre that this 10 pound baby could be "sick". I sat down one day beside of him and said these words, "You have to want this. I can't do anything for you. You have to WANT to live. I want you here, but I can't solve this problem. This isn't about me anymore. This is completely out of my hands. This is between you and g-d and you have to WANT to live. You have to WANT to fight. I love you and I will be here for you, but I can't want this enough for both of us. You have to have a passion to survive. I have to make peace with this today and know that you have the willpower to decide something."
I can assure you that Michael doesn't remember the words that I said, but every year Michael walks into my life and says, "Hey, I'm gonna go do...." Sometimes he ends the sentence with bowling. Sometimes it's baseball. Sometimes it's the Bill Gates School of Health and Science. I never know what he is going to do next. I only know that he trusts his visceral. He instinctively knows what is good for him. It's an understanding that we have in this house that Michael knows what's best for Michael and I rarely cross the line in telling he can or can't do anything.
So, why am I driving the car from the backseat? Sometimes we want to physically take our children somewhere. Sometimes we think we know what is best. The truth is that when we overstep our bounds and tell our kids who they "need" to be then we are getting into the backseat. The kid isn't driving the car, but neither are we. I have been given things all my life. Whether it was money or jobs or clothes, but what did those things mean to me at the time? Probably not a lot. I learned in my thirties that I have to truly thirst for something for it to have meaning. You can't tell me how to live and then expect me to respect you. Control of somebody else just isn't the answer. If they can't hear their own voice over yours then there is a serious problem. And neither of you is going to be able to reach the brakes.
~Self control is a wonderful thing, but you'll never learn it if nobody ever gives you control over yourself. Make a decision, even a wrong one, but make one for yourself and do it today. ~Mama Shey.
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