you have to want it

    I had this dream last night that I was in the van with Lilli. I was driving, but I was struggling to see out every window. I finally realized it was because the steering wheel was in the back seat. The brakes were in the driver's seat, and I couldn't see out the appropriately placed mirrors. It was a moment of panic for me as I careened through beautiful downtown Newton.
   
     When Michael was born he had a rare heart problem. Supra ventricular tachycardia. His heart beat too too fast. He was taken to Winston Salem at 10 days old to stay in the Brenner Children's Hospital in the PICU unit. Things were difficult. Treatment at times seemed barbaric. He did not get better after 3 days, 4 days...it just seemed bizarre that this 10 pound baby could be "sick". I sat down one day beside of him and said these words, "You have to want this. I can't do anything for you. You have to WANT to live. I want you here, but I can't solve this problem. This isn't about me anymore. This is completely out of my hands. This is between you and g-d and you have to WANT to live. You have to WANT to fight. I love you and I will be here for you, but I can't want this enough for both of us. You have to have a passion to survive. I have to make peace with this today and know that you have the willpower to decide something."
   I can assure you that Michael doesn't remember the words that I said, but every year Michael walks into my life and says, "Hey, I'm gonna go do...." Sometimes he ends the sentence with bowling. Sometimes it's baseball. Sometimes it's the Bill Gates School of Health and Science. I never know what he is going to do next. I only know that he trusts his visceral. He instinctively knows what is good for him. It's an understanding that we have in this house that Michael knows what's best for Michael and I rarely cross the line in telling he can or can't do anything.

   So, why am I driving the car from the backseat? Sometimes we want to physically take our children somewhere. Sometimes we think we know what is best. The truth is that when we overstep our bounds and tell our kids who they "need" to be then we are getting into the backseat. The kid isn't driving the car, but neither are we. I have been given things all my life. Whether it was money or jobs or clothes, but what did those things mean to me at the time? Probably not a lot. I learned in my thirties that I have to truly thirst for something for it to have meaning. You can't tell me how to live and then expect me to respect you. Control of somebody else just isn't the answer. If they can't hear their own voice over yours then there is a serious problem. And neither of you is going to be able to reach the brakes.

~Self control is a wonderful thing, but you'll never learn it if nobody ever gives you control over yourself. Make a decision, even a wrong one, but make one for yourself and do it today. ~Mama Shey.