Age of Reasoning

     SO, THIS WEEK HAS BEEN A HARD ONE. I FIND MYSELF NEEDLESSLY AT A THRESHOLD. I HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED THAT MY YOUNGEST IS NOT OLD ENOUGH TO ATTEND SCHOOL THIS AUGUST; I HAVE NO QUALMS WITH THAT. I COULD STAY WITH THAT ONE FOREVER AND NEVER GET BORED, BUT I REALIZED PART OF ME WAS AWAKENING TO THE IDEA OF BEING SOMETHING OTHER THAN "MOM".  THIS WEEK I SPENT A DAY ALONE. IT WAS EMOTIONALLY DRAINING AND I FOUND MYSELF NEEDING PERMISSION TO DO ANYTHING REMOTELY FUN. I CONTEMPLATED WHAT BIG PROJECT I COULD DO, WHERE I COULD GO, HOW I COULD SOLVE THAT SPACE-TIME THING. I WAS MISERABLE.  
     I HAVE OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS ACQUIRED A FEW WONDERFUL WOMEN IN MY LIFE. I WAS NOT "ALONE" AFTER ALL, YET IN THE QUIET OF A CAR RIDE OR THE MONOTONY OF DISH-WASHING, I WAS FORCED UPON A THRESHOLD........WHAT DOES LIFE BECOME NOW?
HAVING CHILDREN IS LIKE WATCHING G-D REACH DOWN, PULL OUT THE SMALLEST MOST SECRETIVE PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY AND THEN WATERING IT AND LETTING IT GROW INTO AN ALTERED FORM OF YOU. IT IS SCARY AND BIZARRE TO SEE YOUR KIDS DO THINGS OR BE THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF YOU. IT'S AS IF THEY HAVE BEEN SENT TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU HAVE JUST SIMPLY TURNED OFF A GOOD PORTION OF YOUR PERSONALITY ALONG WITH  YOUR WANTS, FEARS, YOUR ANGER. I SEE MYSELF DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE OF THEM.
  I SPENT  SOME TIME IN AN ANTIQUE STORE CONTEMPLATING WHAT THE OLD ME WOULD HAVE LOVED. I FOUND THE LACY HANDKERCHIEFS, THE LOVELY LADIES GLOVES, THE HATS, THE DISHES. ALL THINGS THAT SCREAM "FEMININE!!"  THINGS THAT I HAVE PUT ASIDE LATELY FOR BASEBALLS AND MUD, TENNIS SHOES AND PLASTIC UNBREAKABLE PLATES. I DID BUY A PAIR OF GLOVES WHICH SEEMED TO TOUCH A VERY SENTIMENTAL NERVE.
  AS THE DAY WORE ON, THE QUESTION BECAME WHAT DO I DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE? DO I WANT A JOB? A CAREER? I SPENT SOME TIME IN JENNIFER'S WORKSHOP PONDERING WHAT I REALLY WANTED FOR MYSELF. TURNS OUT, I AM A LITTLE CREEPY WHEN IT COMES TO JOB SELECTION. TURNS OUT JENNIFER SHOULD HAVE BEEN A THERAPIST.
    NOT KNOWING WHO YOU ARE IS SCARY. BUT, DEAR CHILDREN, NOT GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BE WHO YOU ARE IS TERRIFYING. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU "WANT" TO BE. I AM NOT SPEAKING OF WHERE YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS. I MEAN RIGHT NOW. DO YOU HAVE OPINIONS THAT YOU DON'T EXPRESS BECAUSE YOU FEAR WHAT OTHERS WILL SAY?  DO YOU HAVE WANTS OR NEEDS THAT AREN'T BEING MET BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A BURDEN? IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT, BUT YOU DON'T THINK YOU DESERVE IT?  ARE YOU BEING A MARTYR SO OTHERS CAN LIVE ABOVE YOU? ARE YOU SETTLING AND LIVING A CONVENIENT LIFE AS OPPOSED TO LIVING EACH DAY SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE AND THINGS YOU LOVE? WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE YOUR TIME? WHEN?
    TODAY I CLEANED THE HOUSE IN ORDER TO a) FIND SOME SCOTCH TAPE AND b) GET RID OF EVERYTHING THAT DOESN'T SPEAK TO WHO I AM. THE KIDS DESERVE TO SEE THE REAL ME...I WILL NEVER BE THE GLOSSY, SHINY, PRETTY HAPPY MOM. I WILL, HOWEVER, ALWAYS BE THE HONEST ONE. AS THEY GROW OLDER, I REALIZE I NEED A LITTLE BIT OF ME BACK BECAUSE THEY NEED ME. THEY DON'T NEED A STAGNANT, UNEDUCATED, MOM WHO LIVES IN A BUBBLE. THEY NEED ME. ALL OF ME...NOW...MAYBE THE ANTIQUE STORE HAS A LILLE BIT MORE OF ME LAYING AROUND.

"good character is the paved road to happiness"~ mama shey