You Create Your Own Hell. Now Shut Up.

"If God listened to the prayers of men, all men would quickly have perished; for they are forever praying for evil against one another." --Epicurus (341-271 BC).
    I had been writing this for about a week now when I began reading The God Article on Facebook and  Randy posted this quote. It rather punched me in the stomach. I figured it was time to unleash my frustration because I certainly was holding onto it waiting for the "right time". So, here is my  piece for today:

    I recall a time when I was in someone's house and heard the man of the house in the kitchen praying. It was very early in the morning and the sound of his cries could be heard clearly. The sun was not yet rising, but he had risen with his anguish, his anger, and his grief. His life had recently become quite a drama due to another family member and he was seeking council with his Lord. There in the warmth of an uncomfortable bed I heard his prayer. It has stuck with me for many years. His voice was  cracking and his hand was  formed into a fist, pounding on his kitchen table. He was begging. He was broken. This was his prayer,
                       "G-d, get him. G-d I  am begging you to get him. He needs to die and be dragged to hell. G-d please, it's time."

      The prayer was said over and over. the tears involved were audible. This man was serious.

It happens all too often in the Christian church that we don't pray, "Open my eyes so that I might see his hurt, his anguish."

We don't pray, " Dear father forgive me for being a stumbling block and please remove me from the situation that I seem to be aggravating."

We don't pray, "Lord, please let me distance myself from those that cause drama so that I can better focus on myself."

We don't pray, "Dear G-d, you have been our hope in ages past, please be this man's hope and please change his heart to allow him to love."

    If you wonder why the doors of the church are closing please stop blaming Satan. He hasn't had to work in maybe 3 or 4 centuries.  There is a reason that the Bible says that the Christian Church will be persecuted. It's because obviously someone could see far enough into the future to see the Christians burning the witches, condemning the baby killers to hell, and telling single moms to stop being whores. You deserve persecution if that is your way of life, and for many "Christians" it most certainly is.
   I was invited to church recently by a lady whom I have to see because our kids are in school together.  I checked out her Facebook page. She keeps arguments up with non-believers...no, she keeps arguments up with people she claims are non-believers. She would know a believer, right? Inside track to G-d's voice, she has. She consistently calls people stupid, tells them to go to hell, is paranoid of Satan coming after her kids. She is representing Christ while telling people that they don't know the Bible or Christ and have never been to church.......because she "knows".
  If G-d is calling on you to "out" people and condemn them for not being Christians or for not believing what you believe, please, get thee to a doctor. You are not alright. Those voices are not the voices of G-d, they are your own voices of ego, delusional self worth, and anger. If you are lashing out at people whom you don't really know because you feel empowered by G-d to show them the "way", then you really need to spend some time working on yourself.
   It takes a sick person to call on G-d to punish others. It takes an even sicker person to cry because they are being persecuted for the harm that they are causing. You want hell? Fine, grow the hell up. Look in a mirror. Stop paying attention to your neighbors. Sop reading stupid Facebook posts that aren't about happiness, joy, and growth. You want to be a Christian, go be one. Keep your  mouth SHUT and try living as Christ called you to live: BY EXAMPLE, and with Love, Gratitude and Grace. If you cannot do that, then it's Satan who has won you, not the other way around.

There are no Least Favorites

   I am again faced with the, "I am not your favorite child" syndrome. Life is hard for kids, especially the teenage ones. It's hard for parents too who are trying to make everyone in the house happy. I've learned that I will never make everybody happy at once, my only goal has been to make sure that only one is unhappy at a time. When the kids were smaller we would play a game . Before I would take them into a store I would say, "Okay, it's (name of kid)'s turn to misbehave. Everybody would smile and laugh and they would spend time trying to figure out how the kid would misbehave. All tension was alleviated. I didn't have to worry about temper tantrums or fights, they knew that somebody "could" in theory misbehave. Of course, they didn't. As they have gotten older I have seen this play out on a bigger scope. If one is having a meltdown or giving me grief then the others just walk away. I am lucky that it comes in cycles. I can have 3 months of fighting with one kid and then suddenly there will be a break in the clouds, everything aligns and we are back to normal. Then another one will get under my skin. We have a rotating door here.
    My inability to make children happy really doesn't have anything to do with how many children I have. It comes from that place that tells kids that they are the underdogs and that they aren't getting enough attention...or stuff. I think all families go through this.  Kids, being the favorite in a house is really dependent upon your own personality. At times you are involved in sports or some after school program and you come home and you have stories to tell. You come home proud of yourself and  wanting to talk about how awesome your day was , and this leads to bonding. When someone walks through the front door with a, "Did you hear..." then of course they get attention. Parents seem to have favorites because they either love the kids that bring them adventure or they love the kids that bring them safety. The favorite one seems to change about every six months as personalities change, interests change, life broadens.
    There are no least favorites though.  I guess I always thought that all children wanted to see themselves as beautiful and wanted. The truth is that some kids are predisposed to believe that they are somehow lacking. I don't think that it has anything to do with being the middle kid or the third boy, I think some are just naturally self aware of their differences and they magnify those differences. It's not mom or dad who see you as the least favorite. You are throwing your own shadows in that situation.
   We have always taken the time to try and do something special with each kid. With Lilli I have tried to bring her into my world of long walks . I have tried to make sure she is surrounded by women that she can talk to and can hang out with.  Michael has band and  sci-fi conventions. Sam has theme parks and movies. Jonas  food, movies,  and camping out in mom's room. Tika has dance -offs and Chuck E Cheese.  The truth is that it doesn't matter what we do as parents we will never do enough. Rich kids are unhappy. Poor kids are unhappy. Mom is either working and never home or mom is way too far in their business. Guess what? It's not all mom's fault. The underlying reason that kids are unhappy is : they are kids. They are struggling to be just like us while not being anything like us. They want their freedom and their own ideologies while coming home to a safe place with unlimited food. It's called growing up and some of us don't achieve that until 30. Some of us, I guess will never reconcile what mom did and didn't do right. Some of us will always want to be unhappy. As a parent I just have to force conversations, be reasonable, and yell occasionally. Apparently if I don't yell it translates to I don't care. All I know is I can't win.
   In reality, maybe it's mom who needs the pity party because she is definitely the least favorite. Unless there are cookies involved. Geez.  Can't we just agree to be happily miserable together?

Strong Women; Good Plots

The Hangman's Daughter is  a novel by Oliver Pötzsch. It is the fictional book I was allowed to pick out for my birthday from ML. I chose this book at random having never heard of it, and I was not disappointed. The truth is I am a firm believer in "old" stories. The Hemingway's, the Fitzgerald's; these are the authors I am drawn to. I love books with dust  and fingerprints on them. I was surprised by what I found inside this book considering it was just published in 2010. I found a great mystery full of truth and a lovely and engaging  writing style.
    Have you ever sat down at a buffet and realized that it was so good you didn't want to leave, but you knew how stuffed you were?  This  book is like a big wonderful, well prepared meal. Each chapter is a different course. Each chapter leaves you full,  but you know you want more. I had to step away after I finished the first chapter, I had to ask myself if I truly understood what I just read, and was I prepared for what was coming.
    This book deals with the murder of children. Its characters are  a hangman, a doctor, and a strong willed young woman. All 3 of the main characters are smart and not to be undone by superstition. They have their feet firmly planted in reality, but are surrounded by uneducated, superstitious villagers who still cling to  the dark ages. It is a book that tackles the feeling of trying to reason with someone who refuses to see the light just because they want emotion rather than justice. If you liked The Crucible or if you like the story behind The Crucible, then you will appreciate The Hangman's Daughter.
   I have since discovered that this book is part of a trilogy. I cannot get my hands on the last two books fast enough. The characters are very real and remind me of people that I know. It is  a book that will stay in my library and I wish so badly to see this book become a movie...it played out that well in my head.

This is an Advertisement

    I got a copy of  "Restaurant Man" for my birthday. I was interested in the book because I like Joe Bastianich. I first became aware of Bastianich when I accidentally found Master Chef on Hulu (can I get paid for that ad?) Bastianich is not a chef.  He is  restaurateur in a world full of celebrity chefs and he is competing for attention- or money. He is surrounded by people who celebrate food and this book is his chance to show us that he is not just food savvy, but business savvy.
   I liked Bastianich, but I wanted to get to know him. On his show he has moments of great humanity and tenderness...those moments are rare, but I wanted a better understanding of who this new reality TV show guy was. His book is not an autobiography. It is a curse laden advertisement for how smart he is and how much he has given to America's diners. There is no editing going on inside the covers. What you read is exactly as Bastianich would tell it if you were across the dinner table from him. His voice resonates on each page.
    The book is all over the place. It is not a guide on how to open a restaurant, but it gives advice in every chapter. It is not another Bastianich Wine Bible, but he spends chapter after chapter walking the reader through good Italian wine, wine prices; wine glasses. I am not a drinker so a book that should have taken 2 days to read took me about a week. I was familiar with most foodie terms, but the names of wine and the Italian references took me time to paddle through.
    So why did I stick this out when it wasn't the book I wanted?  Bastianich is a character. He likes to talk about the sickness that rests inside most restaurants and I found that really interesting. He has a sense of business that is pretty incomparable. I also love New York.  Bastianich claims to have changed the face of New York eateries. I have not been back to the city since he opened Eataly  and it is the one thing I am seriously looking forward to on my next visit.
   Bastianich is a natural competitor, and I respect that. It becomes clear in this book that he is trying to sell the reader on a higher minded way of not just eating, but living. I would have liked to see the 4 books that were crammed into this one actually written. I would have liked to see the inside of his restaurant mind, the inside of his travels to Italy. I wanted to see the dirty side of the business. I got a taste of all of that. I got Bastianich talking at me, getting sidetracked, telling stories: I got the Bastianich that I see on TV. All that is good but I wanted it in a little more  thoughtful package.

     The book is good if you love wine. The book may even be great if you love wine. The book is good if you love New York dining. This is not a quiet book that makes you feel as though you are  the only one hearing Joe's secrets. This is loud, full throttle Joe letting the whole town know that he's here and he is the reason that America eats the way it does...with a little help from Lydia. He does love his mother.

Genius Jerk

   If you watch The Big Bang Theory on CBS you have heard Dr. Richard Feynman's name mentioned a few times. In fact if you watch closely you can see a little Feynman in Dr. Sheldon Cooper's personality. Over the holidays I finally sat down and  read Surely You're Joking Mr. Feynman. It is a book that compiles some of Feynman's interviews and speeches. I was promised a "fun" book. Oh, geez.
   Feynman explains his youthful curiosity so we do get a glimpse of how intelligent he was as a child. This intellect wasn't taught or instilled in him, he simply was born to learn. Feynman's need to control things and use people as social experiments made me  uncomfortable, even angry. At one point I  was so aghast at his stalking skills that I declared to my cousin, whom knew I was reading this book, that Feynman was a sociopath. If Dr. Feynman had not entered into the University and been protected by his professors and peers is there any way he could have stayed out of jail? Even he admits that he spent many nights wandering the streets talking to himself. He made outlandish contracts with people and while working in Los Alamos on the bomb he became obsessed with safecracking.
    Yes, he was a genius but there was something in Feynman that wanted the ultimate human experience but he still came across as detached. He studied things but never submerged himself in them because he wanted the knowledge, but I, as a reader,  didn't see the passion. His whole life was made up of, "Tell me.", "Show me". I respect that. My problem with Feynman comes from his not actually seeming to have an emotional attachment to what he was doing.
    The real example came on page 74 when Dr. Feynman is working with Hildegarde Lamfrom on RNA protein production and she needs ribosomes. He gives her ribosomes from E. coli to use. He basically ruined her experiment and set the work back, by how many months or years I don't know. Dr. Lamfrom was working in the same lab as Watson and Crick and I believe it was Watson that went on to mention her in his Nobel Prize speech. This was a woman on the cusp of something huge, and then comes Feynman. In the end he makes this comment, "That's the trouble with not being in your own field: You don't take it seriously."  Throughout the whole experience of reading I just kept throwing the book down screaming, "Surely you're a jerk Mr. Feynman!!"
    The book talks a little about physics, but most of the book is just Feynman talking about ants, bars, women,  Los Alamos, and Carnival. I loved the name dropping that he does. He mentions Oppenheimer. He names names in Los Alamos. It's like eavesdropping on a pivotal time in history. Feynman had his hands in some of the most bizarre and crazy events in American history. He also makes great revelations about the human condition   ...I just can't get past the jerk part. I will continue to read Dr. Feynman's work. I am just too curious. I will have my aspirin handy and only throw the books at inanimate objects. Feynman will always be a key player, maybe even the star, of American science and I will never be bored.

I just turned 406 and still weigh the same as a duck

   There is a line  from the movie A Knight's Tale. William is in the stocks and his friends are around him holding various weapons trying to protect him from the mob. Lord Colville comes to release William and before knighting him says, "Your men love you." It is my favorite line from any movie.

    I grew up an only child. I was awkward and backward and weird; still am. The only thing I ever really longed for was people to come over- just show up. I was lonely.On birthdays I really wanted people to show up. The presents were nice but I never knew how to thank them appropriately for the gifts. I just wanted them to be there for me.
   I have worked very hard to try and create grown up friendships. It is difficult work. You never really know someone until you know them. As Jennifer once said (I am paraphrasing) We weren't instant friends. Friendship takes time and patience and work, and we don't ever know when the moment was that we decided we were friends...it just happens. It grows. And you  have to care for it. Jennifer is so thoughtful.
   I also have many friends that push me. They ask hard questions, they give me tasks that I hate, they explain things to me, but mostly they just show up. In fire, in birth, in sickness, in celebration they show up. In the past 5 years I have certainly done my share of time in the stocks. I have been weighed, measured and found wanting. I have been worthless and useless. They still show up. They bring laughter, reason, wisdom, blankets, sarcasm, and weapons. They are my people.

 I so want to repay them for what they have done for me. I have no idea how so let me say this: When the world comes for you and you are placed in the stocks,  I hope that you will look down and see me. I hope that you will say, "There is Shey. She is one of my men and she loves me." Because I do. I love you.

Albert's clone

    Albert's family has this tradition: They switch out the dad's first name for his  middle name when the first  son is born. Albert's son would have been named William Albert...had he married any other girl.  It took a few hours to name Jonas. I knew I wanted a "J" name.  William Jonas was born on December 27th swaddled between Christmas and Lilli's birthday.

    Today Jonas turns 9. There is so much to this guy, but his sense of humor is what nakes him stand out. He loves to pull off his shirt and make his stomach dance. He loves to cross his eyes and make you smile. Jonas is not what you call an old soul. Everything he sees is completely new...even if he has seen it 5 times. He says whoa and awesome a lot. He is genuinely amazed at how stuff works. He still loves stuffed animals, pillow pets, and blankets. He also loves video games and movies. It as if Albert was cloned...I rarely see myself in Jonas, but I see him in me. I see everything he has introduced me to. I cannot walk by certain places without remembering who he introduced me to there. He has a big heart. He is loving and forgiving. I hope that never changes. I hope that I continue to learn from him about how exciting each new day is, how challenging things can be made easy if you only look at the with different eyes, and how life is really all about the dance..but I'll keep my shirt on.

~I hope you had the time of your life~