Albert's family has this tradition: They switch out the dad's first name for his middle name when the first son is born. Albert's son would have been named William Albert...had he married any other girl. It took a few hours to name Jonas. I knew I wanted a "J" name. William Jonas was born on December 27th swaddled between Christmas and Lilli's birthday.
Today Jonas turns 9. There is so much to this guy, but his sense of humor is what nakes him stand out. He loves to pull off his shirt and make his stomach dance. He loves to cross his eyes and make you smile. Jonas is not what you call an old soul. Everything he sees is completely new...even if he has seen it 5 times. He says whoa and awesome a lot. He is genuinely amazed at how stuff works. He still loves stuffed animals, pillow pets, and blankets. He also loves video games and movies. It as if Albert was cloned...I rarely see myself in Jonas, but I see him in me. I see everything he has introduced me to. I cannot walk by certain places without remembering who he introduced me to there. He has a big heart. He is loving and forgiving. I hope that never changes. I hope that I continue to learn from him about how exciting each new day is, how challenging things can be made easy if you only look at the with different eyes, and how life is really all about the dance..but I'll keep my shirt on.
~I hope you had the time of your life~
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
American Women Who Don't Understand Christmas :A Short List
The American woman is unfortunately displayed in television and movies as a bleached blond who needs more boobage, more jewelry, and more pocketbooks. I, in reality, don't know too many of those women. I know women from varying walks of life and few of them are super demanding when it comes to what they want. There are 2 other types of American women though that get little attention even though they make us all miserable. Let's discuss.
1. The "I don't need your charity, lady" lady. She is a strong empowered woman who has WORKED and EARNED the right to have what she wants when SHE wants it. She can be spotted carrying a chip around on her shoulder. She is friendly and talkative as long as you don't try to help her. I was in line at the checkout when the lady behind me started ogling the five dollar toy I had on the conveyor belt. It had been on the clearance shelf and I thought it was cute. We discussed where it was and that she was just too tired to go back that far into the electronics department and get it. I paid for everything and put the toy into a bag of its own, handed it to the cashier and said, "It's hers now. Okay?" You would have thought I spit on the lady the reaction I got. I left the toy, I left the store. My last words were," It's yours! ". There is no thank you from these women. There is only the attitude that they can afford it on their own and they aren't on welfare. Have we come to this in our society where feminists are so belligerent and egotistical that another mom can't just do for a sister at Christmas time?
Girls: you can be brave, you can work, and you can buy your own home without a man. You can cook, clean, fix, buy, sell, and tackle anything. We know this. We got your memo. But if you have no grace when the world steps in to offer you a three dollar cup of coffee or a homemade meal when you are sick then you really better get used to being alone. You may not need a man, but letting other women be nice to you isn't about ego. It's about love. I don't know if you never got love before or if you're just so selfish that you don't want to give any, but that's not how the rest of us work. Get over yourself and let us enjoy the holidays.
2.The "I don't deserve anything THAT nice." martyr woman. She is always doing for others. She gets a gift card at Christmas and spends it on the school secretary. Her house is full of cheap stuff that she gets on sale. I once purchased a really nice (really) housecoat for a friend at Christmas. It was from Victoria's Secret and was very age appropriate and modest. 10 years later it is still in her closet untouched. Rather than giving it away or taking it back she kept it. She says things like,"Ugh, I still cannot believe you wasted your money on me like that. I could never wear something that nice around the house just to wash dishes in." A few years ago I was given a two hundred dollar watch for Christmas. I took it back. My opinion was that I was a mom. mom's don't need watches much less expensive watches. There are always numerous thank yous from women like these, but they come with a BUT....but I'm not going to use it because it's too special and I'm not. Have we as a society taught women that after giving birth, raising a family, and holding down a job that all they really deserve is more work?
Girls: If it's a gift then it comes form a place of appreciation. You do stuff. We see you do stuff. You don't have to go buy the new cookware for yourself. we know you aren't going to buy the awesome Paula Dean cookware, but if we GIVE it to you, why not indulge, use it, love it? I look back o all the nice things I could have had. I look back on all the times I gave up something because I didn't "need" it and it was just too "nice" for me...What does that mean? Ladies if you have a friend that wants to buy you something that's not from the dollar store why can't you appreciate it. Pretty soon the gifts will stop and you will be sad that no one thinks of you. And more importantly why can you not see that YOU are being appreciated. Buying you stuff and giving you stuff is fun. Just like when you give the school secretary stuff, you think it's fun....it works both ways little momma.
All I'm saying is: as of this year I will stop bitching and moaning about price tags on gifts. I know what I give to others and I usually think that they deserve more. If that is reciprocated then fine. Maybe somebody sees me as deserving. Just because I won't do for myself doesn't mean that I should negate what other people do for me. I will take your PAY IT FORWARD moment, and I will choose to pay it forward also. I will see myself as a good person for giving and I will be a good person when receiving.
Much holiday magic to you and yours...even if yours is a crazy American woman.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
We Only Wait Because We Have Hope
You can legally spell Hanukkah any way you want. It doesn't change what this season means to me. The story whether real or embellished, myth or magic, is a very soulful story about hope.
I learned a few years ago about counting. I was in labor and some nurse said something like, "Contractions may last a minute..." she kept talking and I eventually learned that the sentence ended with "...or more and STOP holding your breath. You have to BREATHE!", but I learned that focusing and counting really do help me. I have become so obsessed with it that even when I run I have to time myself. Knowing that I need to do something for 3 minutes helps me have a goal. Counting helps me get through many difficult situations. Focusing on my breathing helps me run better too. Nurses are wise people.
The Hanukkah story is about counting also. We count the days that a group of Jews were locked inside their temple waiting for the end to come. We count the days that the oil that is used in the candles lasted, keeping the darkness away. We count the near misses, the what ifs, and the almosts. We count the children, the doughnuts, the presents. Everything counts and is counted. The real story to me though is the story of hope.The story of a group of people locked inside their temple waiting for their own demise and breathing.
They only wait because they have hope. Otherwise they would march right out there and look the enemy in the face and be destroyed. They wait because they don't want to die. They don't want to lose. They sit and simply breathe.
This year thanks to the media we have seen tragedy and loss. We have suffered emotionally with stories from all over the world. Maybe suffering with someone else for a little while takes our minds off of our own personal demons and enemies, but eventually we have to make a decision. Do we lock ourselves in our own temples, be they our minds, our schools, our homes, or our jobs; stand our ground and breathe, or do we simply pour out the oil, blow out the candles, open the doors and give up?
This season is about hope. A hope for something greater than us. A hope that through miracle or coincidence or scientific theory something will change. Something will call off our enemy. Something will happen to give us a glimpse of daylight. You may be struggling with things that I don't know about. You may be struggling with your spouse, your finances, your kids...your enemy could live 3 blocks from you or on the other side of the world. Your enemy may not have even shown his face yet, but I beg of you this: Keep breathing. Give yourself some time be it a day or 2 weeks...just count. Stand your ground and know that somebody is actually coming with a cavalry. Or maybe just a horse...but we can build a cavalry. You have to let us help. "We" are all the people that have built our own temples and have stood our own ground. "We" are those that love you and want to help you build or rebuild. "We" are everywhere.
Light your candle. Breathe. Count. Just don't give up. (TWLOHA)
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
http://www.twloha.com/vision/
I learned a few years ago about counting. I was in labor and some nurse said something like, "Contractions may last a minute..." she kept talking and I eventually learned that the sentence ended with "...or more and STOP holding your breath. You have to BREATHE!", but I learned that focusing and counting really do help me. I have become so obsessed with it that even when I run I have to time myself. Knowing that I need to do something for 3 minutes helps me have a goal. Counting helps me get through many difficult situations. Focusing on my breathing helps me run better too. Nurses are wise people.
The Hanukkah story is about counting also. We count the days that a group of Jews were locked inside their temple waiting for the end to come. We count the days that the oil that is used in the candles lasted, keeping the darkness away. We count the near misses, the what ifs, and the almosts. We count the children, the doughnuts, the presents. Everything counts and is counted. The real story to me though is the story of hope.The story of a group of people locked inside their temple waiting for their own demise and breathing.
They only wait because they have hope. Otherwise they would march right out there and look the enemy in the face and be destroyed. They wait because they don't want to die. They don't want to lose. They sit and simply breathe.
This year thanks to the media we have seen tragedy and loss. We have suffered emotionally with stories from all over the world. Maybe suffering with someone else for a little while takes our minds off of our own personal demons and enemies, but eventually we have to make a decision. Do we lock ourselves in our own temples, be they our minds, our schools, our homes, or our jobs; stand our ground and breathe, or do we simply pour out the oil, blow out the candles, open the doors and give up?
This season is about hope. A hope for something greater than us. A hope that through miracle or coincidence or scientific theory something will change. Something will call off our enemy. Something will happen to give us a glimpse of daylight. You may be struggling with things that I don't know about. You may be struggling with your spouse, your finances, your kids...your enemy could live 3 blocks from you or on the other side of the world. Your enemy may not have even shown his face yet, but I beg of you this: Keep breathing. Give yourself some time be it a day or 2 weeks...just count. Stand your ground and know that somebody is actually coming with a cavalry. Or maybe just a horse...but we can build a cavalry. You have to let us help. "We" are all the people that have built our own temples and have stood our own ground. "We" are those that love you and want to help you build or rebuild. "We" are everywhere.
Light your candle. Breathe. Count. Just don't give up. (TWLOHA)
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
http://www.twloha.com/vision/
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Nesting
As we start into this lovely season, a season which some of us cannot enjoy without snow, I have to pause and think about the connections I have made this year and what this time of year means. I have went back and forth over the years, even at one point refusing to have a tree, trying to find exactly what it was I wanted for my family during the holiday season. What did I want to teach them? What did I want them to remember? This is all I've got so far:
We always have a bottled Coke on Christmas Eve. It was Walt's tradition probably dating back to his childhood when Coke was a big deal and the polar bear sold you the concept of a perfect wintry Christmas. We have a friend who still insists on buying us a 6 pack for Christmas and visits Walt's grave with Coke in hand. My dad believed that Christmas Eve was about Christmas music on bad AM stations and about enjoying the lights, and if you felt any differently then you needed to sit down shut up and enjoy it anyway. My kids have their own traditions for Christmas Eve. They stay up late, snuggled together on a couch or on the floor watching George of the Jungle.
We began celebrating Chanakkuh a few years ago. It allows the kids a time to read the stories, practice the fine art of dreidle spinning, listen to some really good music and take some time to appreciate their Israeli blood. It's not a time of education but embracing. For some kids Chanakkuh will be forever part of their lives and for others it will end when they leave home. My job is to try to allow them to see all sides of the season and create their own traditions.
I like the Christmas Eve gatherings in local churches. My favorite has always been the Midnight Mass just because it is so very formal. There is a stoic beauty in watching the nuns come down the aisle and realizing the sacrifice made during this holiday.
Personally this time of year really is about the Solstice. I look at the Winter and see how easy we have it today. I think about what this time of year is supposed to be about and it makes me anxious, yet gives me hope. In the years before grocery stores and all night restaurants we would have been a people that took the month off from school and helped mom and dad prepare the home for the cold days ahead. We would have made a last ditch effort to trade firewood for a neighbor's pig. We would have boarded up the house and grabbed our blankets and waited for the cold to pass, hoping that we would survive on the crops we grew and bartered for. We would have each other. We would hold each other. We would essentially "nest". This is what the holiday is about for me. Taking my children into a warm house and holding on until spring, surviving the longest day and waiting to hear the new birds sing when the sun comes up in Spring. It is a beautiful old holiday dressed in fire, friends, and food. It is a month spent thinking about all we lost and figuring out how to do better next year. For all the commercialization of this holiday, for how we have trivialized it, I am truly ashamed. It is a time when the world is supposed to stop for a few minutes while we figure out how to be a better group of people.
No matter how you celebrate the holiday, I will always have a blanket, a Coke, and a copy of George of the Jungle for you. Because sharing is the real reason for the season. My love to you all dear friends.~Mama Shey
We always have a bottled Coke on Christmas Eve. It was Walt's tradition probably dating back to his childhood when Coke was a big deal and the polar bear sold you the concept of a perfect wintry Christmas. We have a friend who still insists on buying us a 6 pack for Christmas and visits Walt's grave with Coke in hand. My dad believed that Christmas Eve was about Christmas music on bad AM stations and about enjoying the lights, and if you felt any differently then you needed to sit down shut up and enjoy it anyway. My kids have their own traditions for Christmas Eve. They stay up late, snuggled together on a couch or on the floor watching George of the Jungle.
We began celebrating Chanakkuh a few years ago. It allows the kids a time to read the stories, practice the fine art of dreidle spinning, listen to some really good music and take some time to appreciate their Israeli blood. It's not a time of education but embracing. For some kids Chanakkuh will be forever part of their lives and for others it will end when they leave home. My job is to try to allow them to see all sides of the season and create their own traditions.
I like the Christmas Eve gatherings in local churches. My favorite has always been the Midnight Mass just because it is so very formal. There is a stoic beauty in watching the nuns come down the aisle and realizing the sacrifice made during this holiday.
Personally this time of year really is about the Solstice. I look at the Winter and see how easy we have it today. I think about what this time of year is supposed to be about and it makes me anxious, yet gives me hope. In the years before grocery stores and all night restaurants we would have been a people that took the month off from school and helped mom and dad prepare the home for the cold days ahead. We would have made a last ditch effort to trade firewood for a neighbor's pig. We would have boarded up the house and grabbed our blankets and waited for the cold to pass, hoping that we would survive on the crops we grew and bartered for. We would have each other. We would hold each other. We would essentially "nest". This is what the holiday is about for me. Taking my children into a warm house and holding on until spring, surviving the longest day and waiting to hear the new birds sing when the sun comes up in Spring. It is a beautiful old holiday dressed in fire, friends, and food. It is a month spent thinking about all we lost and figuring out how to do better next year. For all the commercialization of this holiday, for how we have trivialized it, I am truly ashamed. It is a time when the world is supposed to stop for a few minutes while we figure out how to be a better group of people.
No matter how you celebrate the holiday, I will always have a blanket, a Coke, and a copy of George of the Jungle for you. Because sharing is the real reason for the season. My love to you all dear friends.~Mama Shey
Monday, November 19, 2012
Black Friday and How Not to be a Jerk
So, here's a little info to get you through your Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping.
1. The lady working on aisle 9 left her home at 7:00 p.m. to clock in at 7:30. She will work all Thanksgiving night and get home at 5:00a.m. Be nice to her or else.
2. If "Be the change you want to see in the world" is your mantra: You shouldn't be shopping. But if you are you better be the one in that 20 minute checkout line singing Holly Jolly Christmas. Or else.
3. Do not give the checkout lady a hard time about 50 cents or 2 dollars. Not if you're saving 30 bucks. There are scanners alllll over the store. Price check yourself before you get in line or be prepared to accept that measly 2 dollar difference. There are 15 people behind you. Get over it.
4. I don't really care if you're out shopping because this is THE MOST WONDERFUL SPECTACULAR AMAZING SEASON EVER!!!!! or if you're shopping for baby Jesus. If you don't hold the door for grandma or offer to help the lady with a screaming child get out to her car you are a jackass.
5. You're going to have to eat. Don't tell me you just saved 120 dollars on "stuff" then not tip your waitress. She doesn't even get Christmas off. Tip the waitress really reallly well. Or else.
6. So, you went and got yourself a babysitter? Wow. Guess what, mom? The lady on aisle 3 doesn't have that luxury, but really wanted to experience this American tradition. When you hear her baby wailing please remember that your baby is at home wailing at Grandma because he wants more candy, he wants TV time, he wants to stay up late, he wants his mommy. Cut people some slack. If baby Jesus cried you would tell Mary, 'Hey, It means you have a baby. A real life beautiful, warm, healthy baby. Crying is natural." Do not forget to be gentle with people.
7. 3 hours ago you were holding hands and praying with Aunt Betsy about everything under the sun that you were thankful for. And now, now you have your hand stuck to a 300 dollar computer that you could have bought in March for 289 and you are daring anybody to touch it. Remember to be thankful that you live in a country where money and stuff is so readily available.
8. If you go out and use a charge card you didn't save a penny. If you can't do the math on interest rates and monthly payments, you get what you get in life. You get debt for Christmas. Congratulations!!
9. If you see someone struggling with money, do the right thing. The words, "You need this more than I do." are more important now than ever before.
10. If you find yourself cursing......go home. It will all be there Dec. 22nd. and probably cheaper.
11. have fun. be safe. don't yell at people. don't forget to call home to let the people that love you know you are alright.
Whatever you are doing, do it for the right reasons. And sing. You better sing. (or else)
1. The lady working on aisle 9 left her home at 7:00 p.m. to clock in at 7:30. She will work all Thanksgiving night and get home at 5:00a.m. Be nice to her or else.
2. If "Be the change you want to see in the world" is your mantra: You shouldn't be shopping. But if you are you better be the one in that 20 minute checkout line singing Holly Jolly Christmas. Or else.
3. Do not give the checkout lady a hard time about 50 cents or 2 dollars. Not if you're saving 30 bucks. There are scanners alllll over the store. Price check yourself before you get in line or be prepared to accept that measly 2 dollar difference. There are 15 people behind you. Get over it.
4. I don't really care if you're out shopping because this is THE MOST WONDERFUL SPECTACULAR AMAZING SEASON EVER!!!!! or if you're shopping for baby Jesus. If you don't hold the door for grandma or offer to help the lady with a screaming child get out to her car you are a jackass.
5. You're going to have to eat. Don't tell me you just saved 120 dollars on "stuff" then not tip your waitress. She doesn't even get Christmas off. Tip the waitress really reallly well. Or else.
6. So, you went and got yourself a babysitter? Wow. Guess what, mom? The lady on aisle 3 doesn't have that luxury, but really wanted to experience this American tradition. When you hear her baby wailing please remember that your baby is at home wailing at Grandma because he wants more candy, he wants TV time, he wants to stay up late, he wants his mommy. Cut people some slack. If baby Jesus cried you would tell Mary, 'Hey, It means you have a baby. A real life beautiful, warm, healthy baby. Crying is natural." Do not forget to be gentle with people.
7. 3 hours ago you were holding hands and praying with Aunt Betsy about everything under the sun that you were thankful for. And now, now you have your hand stuck to a 300 dollar computer that you could have bought in March for 289 and you are daring anybody to touch it. Remember to be thankful that you live in a country where money and stuff is so readily available.
8. If you go out and use a charge card you didn't save a penny. If you can't do the math on interest rates and monthly payments, you get what you get in life. You get debt for Christmas. Congratulations!!
9. If you see someone struggling with money, do the right thing. The words, "You need this more than I do." are more important now than ever before.
10. If you find yourself cursing......go home. It will all be there Dec. 22nd. and probably cheaper.
11. have fun. be safe. don't yell at people. don't forget to call home to let the people that love you know you are alright.
Whatever you are doing, do it for the right reasons. And sing. You better sing. (or else)
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Who are You in Her Time of Need?
The phone rang last night. Lilli was already in bed and me and the boys were watching X Files. My aunt was on the other end. She wanted to know if I could come down for a few minutes and look at some clothes that my kids might be able to use. I walked down the hill and entered her living room to find bags of clothes everywhere. Clothes were being was sorted into very very small piles, and one very large one. The large pile was clothes that they couldn't use.
A friend's trailer burned. They lost everything. They lost their dog. There is no way to describe the soul stripping pain of such an event, but then, there is a way to add insult to injury.
Growing up with the dad that I had was enlightening. Maybe he didn't finish college but he was pretty smart. I remember this time of year with Walt because he would always make special trips to the grocery store to buy food for the church's food pantry. He mostly went because he felt he needed to make up for all the crap other people left in the pantry. He once found a jar of caviar. Another time he found some super tiny really expensive jars of jam. People literally were "dumping" their Thanksgiving food or Christmas presents that they didn't want into the pantry. This made Walt livid to say the least. I was taken through the grocery store and shown what was appropriate to buy. "You don't buy dented cans. You don't buy food that has been opened and then taped back closed. You give ONLY, do you hear me, ONLY what you yourself would eat." He taught me about powdered milk and how we always are to buy coffee for the pantry because elderly people may not eat breakfast but they will at least have coffee.
I learned from Walt that just because we won't or can't wear it anymore doesn't mean somebody else wants to. There is a difference between things we give to Good Will and things that should hit the trash can. This time of year especially when we are supposed to care for the orphans and the elderly why are we giving them things that aren't good enough for us? Why are we treating them like animals and saying, "Well this is better than nothing" In some cases, no, we should have really stuck with nothing. I opened my own door one day and found a few bags of nondescript food. The boxes weren't labeled. Bags of rice were full but opened and stapled back together. It would have been of more use just to give me the five dollars that was spent on that stuff. I was really hurt that someone thought so little of me and my kids...all the while patting themselves on the back for being a do-gooder. I wouldn't dare feed my kids food that was opened. You're kidding right? And cans without labels...?? please tell me what that's about.
As I sat in my aunt's living room my heart was breaking. Sure, people were giving bags of clothes to a family in need , but there were boots on the floor that only a 2 year old could wear. No one asked or cared about sizes. No one asked or cared what gender the kids were. I appreciated whole heartily what was given to me knowing that they were going to make another trip to ECCCM tomorrow to give up what they couldn't use, but really people: The poor and needy are not your dumping ground. If you're giving them shoes with holes or shoes without mates you aren't getting any G-d points.
G-d wants us to build our houses on rocks? Okay. Then help me find mine. Help the poor, the homeless, the needy identify their rocks. For some it is a ruby. For others, an emerald. Some like marble and others want limestone. The problem is the do-gooders who believe that some of us only deserve asphalt. Every time you give less than what you yourself would eat or wear you are making it abundantly clear that you don't have any respect for me or see the value in me that you see in yourself.
Each time you help someone find their own rock to build on , treating them as if they are gifts from G-d, then you are building up another human being to go out into the world and heal, help, and build. You are not just teaching them to see themselves as worthy, but you are helping them discover beauty in others. We all deserve rocks. It's just abundantly clear how many people have sand handy.
A friend's trailer burned. They lost everything. They lost their dog. There is no way to describe the soul stripping pain of such an event, but then, there is a way to add insult to injury.
Growing up with the dad that I had was enlightening. Maybe he didn't finish college but he was pretty smart. I remember this time of year with Walt because he would always make special trips to the grocery store to buy food for the church's food pantry. He mostly went because he felt he needed to make up for all the crap other people left in the pantry. He once found a jar of caviar. Another time he found some super tiny really expensive jars of jam. People literally were "dumping" their Thanksgiving food or Christmas presents that they didn't want into the pantry. This made Walt livid to say the least. I was taken through the grocery store and shown what was appropriate to buy. "You don't buy dented cans. You don't buy food that has been opened and then taped back closed. You give ONLY, do you hear me, ONLY what you yourself would eat." He taught me about powdered milk and how we always are to buy coffee for the pantry because elderly people may not eat breakfast but they will at least have coffee.
I learned from Walt that just because we won't or can't wear it anymore doesn't mean somebody else wants to. There is a difference between things we give to Good Will and things that should hit the trash can. This time of year especially when we are supposed to care for the orphans and the elderly why are we giving them things that aren't good enough for us? Why are we treating them like animals and saying, "Well this is better than nothing" In some cases, no, we should have really stuck with nothing. I opened my own door one day and found a few bags of nondescript food. The boxes weren't labeled. Bags of rice were full but opened and stapled back together. It would have been of more use just to give me the five dollars that was spent on that stuff. I was really hurt that someone thought so little of me and my kids...all the while patting themselves on the back for being a do-gooder. I wouldn't dare feed my kids food that was opened. You're kidding right? And cans without labels...?? please tell me what that's about.
As I sat in my aunt's living room my heart was breaking. Sure, people were giving bags of clothes to a family in need , but there were boots on the floor that only a 2 year old could wear. No one asked or cared about sizes. No one asked or cared what gender the kids were. I appreciated whole heartily what was given to me knowing that they were going to make another trip to ECCCM tomorrow to give up what they couldn't use, but really people: The poor and needy are not your dumping ground. If you're giving them shoes with holes or shoes without mates you aren't getting any G-d points.
G-d wants us to build our houses on rocks? Okay. Then help me find mine. Help the poor, the homeless, the needy identify their rocks. For some it is a ruby. For others, an emerald. Some like marble and others want limestone. The problem is the do-gooders who believe that some of us only deserve asphalt. Every time you give less than what you yourself would eat or wear you are making it abundantly clear that you don't have any respect for me or see the value in me that you see in yourself.
Each time you help someone find their own rock to build on , treating them as if they are gifts from G-d, then you are building up another human being to go out into the world and heal, help, and build. You are not just teaching them to see themselves as worthy, but you are helping them discover beauty in others. We all deserve rocks. It's just abundantly clear how many people have sand handy.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Willpower and Lipstick
It started with a lump in my breast. Then came a year of startling revelations. I didn't want to have cancer and I didn't want to die holding a son that would never remember his mommy. I was scared and heartbroken. In the end a quick simple out patient procedure found nothing abnormal, but I had decisions to make. Did I want anymore children? The answer was no. Having kids was wonderful, but the thought of leaving one behind that couldn't write his name much less pronounce mine was crushing. After much, much, much deliberation it was decided that my husband would have a vasectomy. It would be a selfless act on his part.
And then we waited. day 4, day 12, day 22, day 29.....sigh.....It was day 29 that did it.
I was in a raw panic. Sheer torture. What the hell just happened.
Day 104. Albert say "I was wondering when you were going to tell me...."
She came into the world bringing with her a softness I had never seen. A beauty and gentleness that I had never allowed myself to tap into. She was plump and round and glowing. It took hours to name her. She was so very tiny. Her willpower brought her here. And nothing has been the same since. They say that some children bring families together. She reminds us every day that she is the center of our universe.
Alice is quick witted, even tempered, and loyal. The problem is that she is so very different from me and Lilli that sometimes we are out of our element with her. And unfortunately we don't get a say so about it. When she was 2 we were looking through a magazine. She found a picture of Diane Kruger (Helen of Troy). Alice points and says, "Do you think that's my real mommy?" She has always been fascinated with trying to find and bond with her own people. We may pass a make-up counter and have to stop because she found some stunning blond that she needs to get to know. She talks consistently about a door on the other side of the sun that leads back to her own world. Alice may love us but I know that she feels urged on by something deeper that wants her to go, meet, grab, grasp, soar. She is looking for those that aren't just lovely on the outside but have the same willpower: The generous of spirit, the rah-rahs that cheer you on regardless of the score, those that believe in fairies and magic. She knows she is fabulous but she questions why we don't see ourselves that way.
I have found a new love of lipstick, make-up, high heels, nail polish, and Reese Peanut Butter Cups thanks to this tiny loud mouthed charmer. She reminds me each day that you need to wear something that makes you look pretty. You need to feel pretty. You need to feel worthy. What is keeping you from smiling when there is so much music playing? What is holding you back and killing your willpower? I will forever be grateful to day 29 and the abundance of life it brought when I thought I was done with new life. I have gone from being the younger mom in the elementary school to being the older. I have gone from hating breakfast to understanding that there is a deep spiritual bond found in sausage and chocolate cake at 7.30 in the morning. I have remembered why it's so important to pray over the flowers after they are planted and talk to them as they grow in sweltering heat. I have had to stop and talk to people that I have nothing in common with because she finds them interesting and worthy.
We are all beautiful, interesting and worthy. You have your own willpower and why the hell don't you wear lipstick when you're angry? It really does make you less angry.... And don't forget to eat your chocolate.
Happy Birthday Tika Rae.
And then we waited. day 4, day 12, day 22, day 29.....sigh.....It was day 29 that did it.
I was in a raw panic. Sheer torture. What the hell just happened.
Day 104. Albert say "I was wondering when you were going to tell me...."
She came into the world bringing with her a softness I had never seen. A beauty and gentleness that I had never allowed myself to tap into. She was plump and round and glowing. It took hours to name her. She was so very tiny. Her willpower brought her here. And nothing has been the same since. They say that some children bring families together. She reminds us every day that she is the center of our universe.
Alice is quick witted, even tempered, and loyal. The problem is that she is so very different from me and Lilli that sometimes we are out of our element with her. And unfortunately we don't get a say so about it. When she was 2 we were looking through a magazine. She found a picture of Diane Kruger (Helen of Troy). Alice points and says, "Do you think that's my real mommy?" She has always been fascinated with trying to find and bond with her own people. We may pass a make-up counter and have to stop because she found some stunning blond that she needs to get to know. She talks consistently about a door on the other side of the sun that leads back to her own world. Alice may love us but I know that she feels urged on by something deeper that wants her to go, meet, grab, grasp, soar. She is looking for those that aren't just lovely on the outside but have the same willpower: The generous of spirit, the rah-rahs that cheer you on regardless of the score, those that believe in fairies and magic. She knows she is fabulous but she questions why we don't see ourselves that way.
I have found a new love of lipstick, make-up, high heels, nail polish, and Reese Peanut Butter Cups thanks to this tiny loud mouthed charmer. She reminds me each day that you need to wear something that makes you look pretty. You need to feel pretty. You need to feel worthy. What is keeping you from smiling when there is so much music playing? What is holding you back and killing your willpower? I will forever be grateful to day 29 and the abundance of life it brought when I thought I was done with new life. I have gone from being the younger mom in the elementary school to being the older. I have gone from hating breakfast to understanding that there is a deep spiritual bond found in sausage and chocolate cake at 7.30 in the morning. I have remembered why it's so important to pray over the flowers after they are planted and talk to them as they grow in sweltering heat. I have had to stop and talk to people that I have nothing in common with because she finds them interesting and worthy.
We are all beautiful, interesting and worthy. You have your own willpower and why the hell don't you wear lipstick when you're angry? It really does make you less angry.... And don't forget to eat your chocolate.
Happy Birthday Tika Rae.
Friday, October 5, 2012
you have to want it
I had this dream last night that I was in the van with Lilli. I was driving, but I was struggling to see out every window. I finally realized it was because the steering wheel was in the back seat. The brakes were in the driver's seat, and I couldn't see out the appropriately placed mirrors. It was a moment of panic for me as I careened through beautiful downtown Newton.
When Michael was born he had a rare heart problem. Supra ventricular tachycardia. His heart beat too too fast. He was taken to Winston Salem at 10 days old to stay in the Brenner Children's Hospital in the PICU unit. Things were difficult. Treatment at times seemed barbaric. He did not get better after 3 days, 4 days...it just seemed bizarre that this 10 pound baby could be "sick". I sat down one day beside of him and said these words, "You have to want this. I can't do anything for you. You have to WANT to live. I want you here, but I can't solve this problem. This isn't about me anymore. This is completely out of my hands. This is between you and g-d and you have to WANT to live. You have to WANT to fight. I love you and I will be here for you, but I can't want this enough for both of us. You have to have a passion to survive. I have to make peace with this today and know that you have the willpower to decide something."
I can assure you that Michael doesn't remember the words that I said, but every year Michael walks into my life and says, "Hey, I'm gonna go do...." Sometimes he ends the sentence with bowling. Sometimes it's baseball. Sometimes it's the Bill Gates School of Health and Science. I never know what he is going to do next. I only know that he trusts his visceral. He instinctively knows what is good for him. It's an understanding that we have in this house that Michael knows what's best for Michael and I rarely cross the line in telling he can or can't do anything.
So, why am I driving the car from the backseat? Sometimes we want to physically take our children somewhere. Sometimes we think we know what is best. The truth is that when we overstep our bounds and tell our kids who they "need" to be then we are getting into the backseat. The kid isn't driving the car, but neither are we. I have been given things all my life. Whether it was money or jobs or clothes, but what did those things mean to me at the time? Probably not a lot. I learned in my thirties that I have to truly thirst for something for it to have meaning. You can't tell me how to live and then expect me to respect you. Control of somebody else just isn't the answer. If they can't hear their own voice over yours then there is a serious problem. And neither of you is going to be able to reach the brakes.
~Self control is a wonderful thing, but you'll never learn it if nobody ever gives you control over yourself. Make a decision, even a wrong one, but make one for yourself and do it today. ~Mama Shey.
When Michael was born he had a rare heart problem. Supra ventricular tachycardia. His heart beat too too fast. He was taken to Winston Salem at 10 days old to stay in the Brenner Children's Hospital in the PICU unit. Things were difficult. Treatment at times seemed barbaric. He did not get better after 3 days, 4 days...it just seemed bizarre that this 10 pound baby could be "sick". I sat down one day beside of him and said these words, "You have to want this. I can't do anything for you. You have to WANT to live. I want you here, but I can't solve this problem. This isn't about me anymore. This is completely out of my hands. This is between you and g-d and you have to WANT to live. You have to WANT to fight. I love you and I will be here for you, but I can't want this enough for both of us. You have to have a passion to survive. I have to make peace with this today and know that you have the willpower to decide something."
I can assure you that Michael doesn't remember the words that I said, but every year Michael walks into my life and says, "Hey, I'm gonna go do...." Sometimes he ends the sentence with bowling. Sometimes it's baseball. Sometimes it's the Bill Gates School of Health and Science. I never know what he is going to do next. I only know that he trusts his visceral. He instinctively knows what is good for him. It's an understanding that we have in this house that Michael knows what's best for Michael and I rarely cross the line in telling he can or can't do anything.
So, why am I driving the car from the backseat? Sometimes we want to physically take our children somewhere. Sometimes we think we know what is best. The truth is that when we overstep our bounds and tell our kids who they "need" to be then we are getting into the backseat. The kid isn't driving the car, but neither are we. I have been given things all my life. Whether it was money or jobs or clothes, but what did those things mean to me at the time? Probably not a lot. I learned in my thirties that I have to truly thirst for something for it to have meaning. You can't tell me how to live and then expect me to respect you. Control of somebody else just isn't the answer. If they can't hear their own voice over yours then there is a serious problem. And neither of you is going to be able to reach the brakes.
~Self control is a wonderful thing, but you'll never learn it if nobody ever gives you control over yourself. Make a decision, even a wrong one, but make one for yourself and do it today. ~Mama Shey.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
An Accidental Changing
As some of you know, a few months ago we had an ordeal with Lil's gallbladder. It had to come out. What happened to me on a personal level during this 2 month adventure was unexpected. I hope that you can hear my side and understand that this isn't coming from a "preachy" standpoint. This is just me letting you know that something changed.
Lil couldn't eat meat. Not because of how it made her feel but because of how sick to her stomach she got just by smelling meat or sometimes even seeing it. A lot of her weight loss probably came from the fact that she was no longer eating those "stick to your ribs" meals that Southerns cook so well. Meat was slowly taken out of our household to show solidarity to her. By slowly I mean we ate what we had without buying new. Over the past 4 months I have seen myself go from having 8 to 10 servings of meat in a week (mostly chicken) to having 5-7 servings a month. I was not prepared to do this, there was no thought in this at all, but I would like to tell you what is and isn't different.
1. The story that vegetarians tell you about dropping red meat from your diet and instantly losing a dress size is painful for me to hear. I have lost no weight at all, probably because I am over 30 and HORMONES play a bigger role in my life than food. So, no....I haven't changed physically.
2. Is meat still in my house? Yes. I have come to the point that I cannot fathom eating most meat, chicken just makes me ill to look at it. I can now have it in the house and not be tempted to eat it. I just plain don't want to.
3 What are my 6 serving a month looking like? I eat 1 hamburger every 2 weeks and a BBQ sandwich once a week. I enjoy the heck out of those sandwiches. They taste completely different now and (remember I am cooking them at home, not eating out) I can taste every nuance the BBQ has. Yum!!
4. Why do things taste different? Well, there is a huge amount of sodium not sticking to my palate lately and when the kids get fries at a fast food place I sometimes feel as if the salt sits on my tongue for hours. It is really gross. Your taste buds change and some food just gets better and some food doesn't.
5. Am I eating healthier? Heck no. Have you met me? I still eat fish and rice everyday at lunch and I still love a baked potato and bread. Nothing has changed other than the amount of meat.
6. How do I feel physically? I have to admit, I don't take aspirin the way I used to. The headaches are pretty much gone. PMS is pretty much manageable. I feel like I have more energy and my mind goes at a thousand miles per hour some days. Some days my thoughts just zoom zoom zoom. It's kinda weird but not in a bad way. If I do eat a bite of steak or something....I have tried. Over the 4th I went to a cookout and ate some steak. It was a bad idea. My body just can't process it like it used to and the stomach cramps are very real.
7. Do the kids participate in this lifestyle? No. Tika loves sausage. Tika gets whatever she wants.
8. We definitely are not saving money. Having more fruits and vegetables in the house is more expensive
I have to admit that if you told me a year ago that I would not want chicken I would have laughed and laughed. The truth is we never know why people change or what spurs a change. I hope that if you find yourself becoming a different person than you imagined you were that you would share the reasons. Tolerance only comes from understanding some one's motivation.
Much love you guys.
Lil couldn't eat meat. Not because of how it made her feel but because of how sick to her stomach she got just by smelling meat or sometimes even seeing it. A lot of her weight loss probably came from the fact that she was no longer eating those "stick to your ribs" meals that Southerns cook so well. Meat was slowly taken out of our household to show solidarity to her. By slowly I mean we ate what we had without buying new. Over the past 4 months I have seen myself go from having 8 to 10 servings of meat in a week (mostly chicken) to having 5-7 servings a month. I was not prepared to do this, there was no thought in this at all, but I would like to tell you what is and isn't different.
1. The story that vegetarians tell you about dropping red meat from your diet and instantly losing a dress size is painful for me to hear. I have lost no weight at all, probably because I am over 30 and HORMONES play a bigger role in my life than food. So, no....I haven't changed physically.
2. Is meat still in my house? Yes. I have come to the point that I cannot fathom eating most meat, chicken just makes me ill to look at it. I can now have it in the house and not be tempted to eat it. I just plain don't want to.
3 What are my 6 serving a month looking like? I eat 1 hamburger every 2 weeks and a BBQ sandwich once a week. I enjoy the heck out of those sandwiches. They taste completely different now and (remember I am cooking them at home, not eating out) I can taste every nuance the BBQ has. Yum!!
4. Why do things taste different? Well, there is a huge amount of sodium not sticking to my palate lately and when the kids get fries at a fast food place I sometimes feel as if the salt sits on my tongue for hours. It is really gross. Your taste buds change and some food just gets better and some food doesn't.
5. Am I eating healthier? Heck no. Have you met me? I still eat fish and rice everyday at lunch and I still love a baked potato and bread. Nothing has changed other than the amount of meat.
6. How do I feel physically? I have to admit, I don't take aspirin the way I used to. The headaches are pretty much gone. PMS is pretty much manageable. I feel like I have more energy and my mind goes at a thousand miles per hour some days. Some days my thoughts just zoom zoom zoom. It's kinda weird but not in a bad way. If I do eat a bite of steak or something....I have tried. Over the 4th I went to a cookout and ate some steak. It was a bad idea. My body just can't process it like it used to and the stomach cramps are very real.
7. Do the kids participate in this lifestyle? No. Tika loves sausage. Tika gets whatever she wants.
8. We definitely are not saving money. Having more fruits and vegetables in the house is more expensive
I have to admit that if you told me a year ago that I would not want chicken I would have laughed and laughed. The truth is we never know why people change or what spurs a change. I hope that if you find yourself becoming a different person than you imagined you were that you would share the reasons. Tolerance only comes from understanding some one's motivation.
Much love you guys.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
If a genius can do it...
The house is eerily quiet today. Everyone has returned to school and I sit here in a dark room hoping that they will all be good and reap the reward of an educational system filled with friends and family. I have time, after 6 weeks of a house full of noise and light and movement, to reflect on what I really want for these kids who have immersed themselves in words, facts, and numbers. What I want is simple.
I began re-reading "A Brief History of Time" or what I like to call the physicist's bible the other day. I sat in my bedroom with tears in my eyes just reading Hawking's acknowledgement pages. What most people don't know about Hawking is that he has 3 children of his own. He credits them and openly pens the book for his wife Jane ( they have since divorced). What I find in those pages is someone who thanks everyone. This book was published back in 1988 . The Stephen Hawking that we see on the page is open and kind and gracious. He thanks his students above all else. Hawking lost his voice due to a bout of pneumonia and it was a student who took time and energy to find Hawking a computer that allowed him to speak. Hawking makes it very clear that his students were reliable, considerate, and loyal. What I see when I read the first 2 pages of this great book is the kind of man who let people help him and then gave them thanks. Public thanks.
As school starts again I would hope that students and teachers learn to openly acknowledge the help they receive from one another. To build a classroom is a difficult job. To incorporate children into that classroom can sometimes seem a lost cause. The invitation to chaos and mutiny is always lurking. I hope that as my children go back to school they take pride in their work, sign their name to their work, take credit, even fighting ferociously to claim what is theirs; but I hope also that they realize how much help has been given. No man is yet an island, even though some us desperately want to be and try to be. Acknowledge your help. Appreciate the wisdom of your elders and the energy of the children.
If you want to succeed you first have to learn to listen to yourself. Be motivated by the excitement within you, but allow others to make you better and stronger. Open that door and allow others to push you farther than you could have gone alone...and then thank them publicly.
~If you don't take credit for an idea, then sadly it becomes someone else's. Fight for what is yours, then be liberal with the thanks.~Mama Shey.
I began re-reading "A Brief History of Time" or what I like to call the physicist's bible the other day. I sat in my bedroom with tears in my eyes just reading Hawking's acknowledgement pages. What most people don't know about Hawking is that he has 3 children of his own. He credits them and openly pens the book for his wife Jane ( they have since divorced). What I find in those pages is someone who thanks everyone. This book was published back in 1988 . The Stephen Hawking that we see on the page is open and kind and gracious. He thanks his students above all else. Hawking lost his voice due to a bout of pneumonia and it was a student who took time and energy to find Hawking a computer that allowed him to speak. Hawking makes it very clear that his students were reliable, considerate, and loyal. What I see when I read the first 2 pages of this great book is the kind of man who let people help him and then gave them thanks. Public thanks.
As school starts again I would hope that students and teachers learn to openly acknowledge the help they receive from one another. To build a classroom is a difficult job. To incorporate children into that classroom can sometimes seem a lost cause. The invitation to chaos and mutiny is always lurking. I hope that as my children go back to school they take pride in their work, sign their name to their work, take credit, even fighting ferociously to claim what is theirs; but I hope also that they realize how much help has been given. No man is yet an island, even though some us desperately want to be and try to be. Acknowledge your help. Appreciate the wisdom of your elders and the energy of the children.
If you want to succeed you first have to learn to listen to yourself. Be motivated by the excitement within you, but allow others to make you better and stronger. Open that door and allow others to push you farther than you could have gone alone...and then thank them publicly.
~If you don't take credit for an idea, then sadly it becomes someone else's. Fight for what is yours, then be liberal with the thanks.~Mama Shey.
Friday, June 29, 2012
matching bracelets
When a baby is born mother and child are given matching bracelets. These bracelets become the temporary new umbilical cord that binds the two. When mom returns home with baby the bracelets come off. The cutting off of the bracelets symbolizes a seperation; an understanding that as of today baby will be seen as a whole person preparing and learning to live life without being bound or dependent on anyone. It is mom's job to always remind baby that she is an individual. As a parent I have always looked forward to seeing my children get into a car or find a job. I want to see them develope their individuality and basically get out in the world. I want them to like me but not be bound to me. Independence and free thought are two rare and precious gifts and I hope I have given them these things.
Today, however; I am sitting in a hospital waiting room once again wearing a bracelet that ties me to my baby. She is in surgery, and once again, I find myself waiting for the emergence of her tiny life back into mine.
Five weeks ago she came home complaining of pain in her side. For five weeks we have ruled out nearly every organ she has as the cause of her pain. She has had two tests on her gallbladder, two tests on her liver, a CT Scan, and a nuclear medicine test called a gastronimical emptying test that required her to eat radioactive eggs. She has been to Urgent Care, the ER, the imaging center and back again to the hospital for day surgery twice. She has been hysterical, worried, sleepless, tired, anxious and stressed.
(It is 10:00 a.m. and the nurse just texted that the patient is doing well....all while the Supreme Court is in the background ruling on ObamaCare).
The gallbladder is a tricky business. It causes pain and causes weight lose. It is literally the thorn in the side. My daughter is strong ad private and watching her struggle with vunerability has been difficult. She would love to be able to beat this thing alone. She would love to stop being jabbed with needles, touched, moved, labeled...and sadly, nobody can do this but her.
As I sit here waiting, bound to her once again through a bracelet, I am reminded of her favorite movie, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I view the hospital the same way that the kids view the factory. It is full of buttons and gases and tubes and all sorts of machines that take one thing and turn it into another. It is a place that changes you. It is energizing and exciting and just a little quizzical with a side of anxiety thrown in. Hospitals show us our insides and peel off our outsides and take us apart and fuse us back together. They are magical. They take our children and wheel them away while we wonder what will happen to them.
Her surgeon is probably 70 years old but he is completely versed in all the gadgets and machines and he lives on the edge of the new world. He obviously enjoys learning and creating and seeing...He obviously loves change. Medicine changes constantly, and so does he. In the end though the magic of medicine can only occur between doctor and patient. Just like at the end of the movie, the moment of magic could only occur between Charlie and Mr. Wonka. Grandpa couldn't think "for" Charlie regardless of how connected they were.
As I sit here wearing this bracelet, I know that the outcome of this procedure will effect me, just as these five weeks have effected our whole family, but I know that she has to find her independence. She has to find her own voice and deal with her own Wonkas. She has to do what is best for her and her her health and her lifestyle; and I think that's fine as long as she knows that I will always show up to wear her matching bracelet.
Today, however; I am sitting in a hospital waiting room once again wearing a bracelet that ties me to my baby. She is in surgery, and once again, I find myself waiting for the emergence of her tiny life back into mine.
Five weeks ago she came home complaining of pain in her side. For five weeks we have ruled out nearly every organ she has as the cause of her pain. She has had two tests on her gallbladder, two tests on her liver, a CT Scan, and a nuclear medicine test called a gastronimical emptying test that required her to eat radioactive eggs. She has been to Urgent Care, the ER, the imaging center and back again to the hospital for day surgery twice. She has been hysterical, worried, sleepless, tired, anxious and stressed.
(It is 10:00 a.m. and the nurse just texted that the patient is doing well....all while the Supreme Court is in the background ruling on ObamaCare).
The gallbladder is a tricky business. It causes pain and causes weight lose. It is literally the thorn in the side. My daughter is strong ad private and watching her struggle with vunerability has been difficult. She would love to be able to beat this thing alone. She would love to stop being jabbed with needles, touched, moved, labeled...and sadly, nobody can do this but her.
As I sit here waiting, bound to her once again through a bracelet, I am reminded of her favorite movie, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I view the hospital the same way that the kids view the factory. It is full of buttons and gases and tubes and all sorts of machines that take one thing and turn it into another. It is a place that changes you. It is energizing and exciting and just a little quizzical with a side of anxiety thrown in. Hospitals show us our insides and peel off our outsides and take us apart and fuse us back together. They are magical. They take our children and wheel them away while we wonder what will happen to them.
Her surgeon is probably 70 years old but he is completely versed in all the gadgets and machines and he lives on the edge of the new world. He obviously enjoys learning and creating and seeing...He obviously loves change. Medicine changes constantly, and so does he. In the end though the magic of medicine can only occur between doctor and patient. Just like at the end of the movie, the moment of magic could only occur between Charlie and Mr. Wonka. Grandpa couldn't think "for" Charlie regardless of how connected they were.
As I sit here wearing this bracelet, I know that the outcome of this procedure will effect me, just as these five weeks have effected our whole family, but I know that she has to find her independence. She has to find her own voice and deal with her own Wonkas. She has to do what is best for her and her her health and her lifestyle; and I think that's fine as long as she knows that I will always show up to wear her matching bracelet.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Goonies are Good Enough
(Goonies are Good Enough~Cyndi Lauper)
So, today is the first day of summer vacation, and already there are 14 year old girls all over the place trying to plot what they are going to do this summer to make them more popular next year. They are trying to cut their hair. They are trying to dye their hair. They are trying to get skinny. They are trying to change themselves.
Let me make this real simple: The girl in the hairnet will be the most interesting person you ever meet. She will grow up to be a tattoo artist and live in NYC. Hair problems can be fixed. The fat kid with the glasses that sits next to you in journalism who always appears to drool will actually lose 30 pounds in college and start his own magazine. Drooling can be fixed. The weird girl that wears a sweater vest over a sweater will grow up to own an awesome vinyl collection and be able to grow (legal) herbs that you've never heard of. Fashion problems can be fixed.
Change is good. As long as you know why you're changing. And if you're changing to fit in with a group of people that have absolutely nothing in common with you....then it will take twice as long for you to grow up to be the uber cool person you were meant to be. "Cool". Well, kids, cool never changes. Cool is always the football player, the cheerleader...they have their place, but when you're an adult then cool takes on a whole new meaning. It means you can think for yourself, read, dream, travel; and not at the expense of others. It means you dress how you want and vote how you want and love who you want.
The popular kids are -at this very moment- trying to figure out how to STAY popular. Quit giving up on yourself. You could be cool as soon as tomorrow if you only focused on YOU today.
The quirky kids always have the most interesting stories ~Mama Shey
So, today is the first day of summer vacation, and already there are 14 year old girls all over the place trying to plot what they are going to do this summer to make them more popular next year. They are trying to cut their hair. They are trying to dye their hair. They are trying to get skinny. They are trying to change themselves.
Let me make this real simple: The girl in the hairnet will be the most interesting person you ever meet. She will grow up to be a tattoo artist and live in NYC. Hair problems can be fixed. The fat kid with the glasses that sits next to you in journalism who always appears to drool will actually lose 30 pounds in college and start his own magazine. Drooling can be fixed. The weird girl that wears a sweater vest over a sweater will grow up to own an awesome vinyl collection and be able to grow (legal) herbs that you've never heard of. Fashion problems can be fixed.
Change is good. As long as you know why you're changing. And if you're changing to fit in with a group of people that have absolutely nothing in common with you....then it will take twice as long for you to grow up to be the uber cool person you were meant to be. "Cool". Well, kids, cool never changes. Cool is always the football player, the cheerleader...they have their place, but when you're an adult then cool takes on a whole new meaning. It means you can think for yourself, read, dream, travel; and not at the expense of others. It means you dress how you want and vote how you want and love who you want.
The popular kids are -at this very moment- trying to figure out how to STAY popular. Quit giving up on yourself. You could be cool as soon as tomorrow if you only focused on YOU today.
The quirky kids always have the most interesting stories ~Mama Shey
Thursday, May 17, 2012
You Might Be A Cult Leader If:
We had been in beautiful downtown Newton for May fest and after facing the Bible beaters who pandered only to children, I was done. We were not capable of walking around the square because a group was handing out suckers that said, "Don't be a sucker for Satan." Granted, if you were under 10 you probably read it as Santa..but still. That's another blog entirely. So we were making our way around the petting zoo to escape town when a fellow stopped in front of us. He just wanted a minute of our time. He had seen us around and lived next door to a friend of ours, and he just wanted to give us his card and tell us where his church was. Let me try to make this as short and sweet as possible. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't tell him he was wrong. I merely stated some facts as I know them...which fell on deaf ears. So, let me try again, in this venue. ( I will elaborate here. and get really personal)
If you don't know your neighbors name....you're the problem, not their religious beliefs or set of non-beliefs. Your g-d would know my name. He doesn't refer to me as "that lady with all the kids". If you don't introduce yourself then it's not personal.
When you start each sentence with, "I don't know you or care what you believe..", you have already made your point. There is no reason to continue. You have said EVERYTHING I need to hear in that sentence.
Your church makes it a habit of saying "We're right and look at those poor souls on the outside." Sometimes the poorest souls are on the inside. Teaching that you are right because you showed up to sit on a pew...? No, there is no such thing as right. There is only opportunity for growth.
When I tell you that I expect the church to be a place of intellectual conversation and you look at me funny, I got all the info on you that I need. If you can't have a discussion about your community in the Sunday school room, then you're not serving your community. If you can't talk about clean air or clean water...how are you saving souls if people are living in poverty? For too long science and education have been parked at the door of the church. Reason and logic have been left out of the church. Jesus was reasonable. Jesus was logical. Embracing science as a part of religion needs to start happening if you're going to keep kids interested, because keeping them away from facts in order to add their soul to your roster isn't honest nor will it be validated when it's time for your judgement. When your kids ask you how something works and you say"It's not for us to know.." Just wait. One day they will tell you how it works because they asked somebody intelligent. How about you be that intelligent someone and google it for them. They may respect you more. The "we don't question" portion of this program was closed the day that man went to the moon. Why don't you join the rest of us who don't keep G-d locked in a box or a book.
You want to quote a verse,but you don't know the context and history. If you've never opened a book to understand the politics of the region or you've never watched a King James documentary...how about stop quoting stuff that you don't fully know the impact of. There are plenty of verses to discount the one you just threw out. It's called contradictions based on region and politics, as well as passage of time. It happens all the time in the Bible. It's because the Bible was written by many people from different perspectives. ....you don't get that either, never mind.
You act as if you might incite violence and yelling when told I disagree with you.
Ask me if I've read the Bible one. more. time. I dare you.
WHAT WE DO:
We, as a family, do not get our "community" from a church. We get our community from the community. The people we live next door to, the people we see on the street, they are our community. We get our community from the baseball field and the school playground. We do not need to go to church for the free meals or free child care or free movie nights or free vacations. We aren't those types. And if that is your selling point: then sorry.
When I tell you that I have grown up in church and spent 15 years there willingly...you best not discount that. Just because I don't go to your church doesn't mean I am a heathen. Maybe it just means I've heard about your church and it scares me. Maybe it means that you don't live a lifestyle that I respect and don't want to be with you in your segregated heaven. Maybe I just don't want to drive that far. I don't drive.
We raise our kids to believe that love is an action not an attitude. If you cannot be there with me in my darkest hour, then please do not hug me at church and tell me how valuable I am. As a friend, which you are called to be first, you need to know names, needs, and whereabouts.
We respect people When someone tells you they are an atheist that is not an invitation to convert them or argue with them. We respect the years they have spent educating themselves and drawing their own conclusions. When someone tells you that they are Hindu it is not an invitation to introduce them to Jesus. We respect that the Gita came before the Bible and that they are capable adults who have a culture and can choose their own religion.
Dear street preacher who only has my best interest in mind,
Carrying bitterness in your heart for people who don't live like you is a great way to get those church doors to close. Good job, dude...oh, and your kids....I will be able to hear the rebellion from here. I look forward to the fireworks. The phrase you reap what you sow...you are sowing some serious trouble where those kids are concerned. Keep denying them community, friendship and sports and girlfriends. And that is why I was chosen by you that day. I have daughters. Sucks to be you, dude. You aren't getting my daughters.
If you don't know your neighbors name....you're the problem, not their religious beliefs or set of non-beliefs. Your g-d would know my name. He doesn't refer to me as "that lady with all the kids". If you don't introduce yourself then it's not personal.
When you start each sentence with, "I don't know you or care what you believe..", you have already made your point. There is no reason to continue. You have said EVERYTHING I need to hear in that sentence.
Your church makes it a habit of saying "We're right and look at those poor souls on the outside." Sometimes the poorest souls are on the inside. Teaching that you are right because you showed up to sit on a pew...? No, there is no such thing as right. There is only opportunity for growth.
When I tell you that I expect the church to be a place of intellectual conversation and you look at me funny, I got all the info on you that I need. If you can't have a discussion about your community in the Sunday school room, then you're not serving your community. If you can't talk about clean air or clean water...how are you saving souls if people are living in poverty? For too long science and education have been parked at the door of the church. Reason and logic have been left out of the church. Jesus was reasonable. Jesus was logical. Embracing science as a part of religion needs to start happening if you're going to keep kids interested, because keeping them away from facts in order to add their soul to your roster isn't honest nor will it be validated when it's time for your judgement. When your kids ask you how something works and you say"It's not for us to know.." Just wait. One day they will tell you how it works because they asked somebody intelligent. How about you be that intelligent someone and google it for them. They may respect you more. The "we don't question" portion of this program was closed the day that man went to the moon. Why don't you join the rest of us who don't keep G-d locked in a box or a book.
You want to quote a verse,but you don't know the context and history. If you've never opened a book to understand the politics of the region or you've never watched a King James documentary...how about stop quoting stuff that you don't fully know the impact of. There are plenty of verses to discount the one you just threw out. It's called contradictions based on region and politics, as well as passage of time. It happens all the time in the Bible. It's because the Bible was written by many people from different perspectives. ....you don't get that either, never mind.
You act as if you might incite violence and yelling when told I disagree with you.
Ask me if I've read the Bible one. more. time. I dare you.
WHAT WE DO:
We, as a family, do not get our "community" from a church. We get our community from the community. The people we live next door to, the people we see on the street, they are our community. We get our community from the baseball field and the school playground. We do not need to go to church for the free meals or free child care or free movie nights or free vacations. We aren't those types. And if that is your selling point: then sorry.
When I tell you that I have grown up in church and spent 15 years there willingly...you best not discount that. Just because I don't go to your church doesn't mean I am a heathen. Maybe it just means I've heard about your church and it scares me. Maybe it means that you don't live a lifestyle that I respect and don't want to be with you in your segregated heaven. Maybe I just don't want to drive that far. I don't drive.
We raise our kids to believe that love is an action not an attitude. If you cannot be there with me in my darkest hour, then please do not hug me at church and tell me how valuable I am. As a friend, which you are called to be first, you need to know names, needs, and whereabouts.
We respect people When someone tells you they are an atheist that is not an invitation to convert them or argue with them. We respect the years they have spent educating themselves and drawing their own conclusions. When someone tells you that they are Hindu it is not an invitation to introduce them to Jesus. We respect that the Gita came before the Bible and that they are capable adults who have a culture and can choose their own religion.
Dear street preacher who only has my best interest in mind,
Carrying bitterness in your heart for people who don't live like you is a great way to get those church doors to close. Good job, dude...oh, and your kids....I will be able to hear the rebellion from here. I look forward to the fireworks. The phrase you reap what you sow...you are sowing some serious trouble where those kids are concerned. Keep denying them community, friendship and sports and girlfriends. And that is why I was chosen by you that day. I have daughters. Sucks to be you, dude. You aren't getting my daughters.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Normal is Just a Word (a really bad one)
When you become a parent it doesn't matter how many books you read or how many family members give you advice, your child just doesn't listen. When you explain to 2 week old baby that they are supposed to sleep at least 4 hours a night, they laugh and remind you that you aren't in charge any more. When you expect them to walk at 12 months but they stand up and run at 10, you do start to question who writes these books and if they ever had kids. Parenting and book learning are so very different. Granted, it is nice to have a guide, but when baby doesn't sleep through the night until 6 months you have to wonder if you're doing anything right. It's hard.
And because it's hard some parents take the bull by the horns and make declarations of , "baby will do this!" or " baby won't do that!" Some parents want control. I completely understand rules and needs and schedules, but what if you just relaxed and let baby grow up to be what baby needs to be? So what the little tot wants to sleep all day? It's Sunday. I want to sleep all day too. I have learned a great lesson from my children. I have learned to let go.
Normal and conventional are words. They are words that I deem "bad". They are words other parents use when they are trying to lay a guilt trip on you. These aren't words that kids know much less respect.
I am now in a position where, sure the kids run the house: between baseball, internships, band practice, theatre auditions, college visits, vacations that I have to pay for but can't go on, and school meetings; all my ME time has become THEIR time. And I have grown so much because of it.
Because of these kids I get to go places I never would have. I get to meet people that I would have normally passed by. I get new thoughts, new questions, new attitudes constantly. All thrown at me by people who aren't half my age yet. My children are allowed to date people that I certainly never would have been allowed to date. They are allowed to go places I was never allowed to go. They have even lived in neighborhoods I was never allowed to visit. It's called evolving.
Rules are nice, but so is living. I have changed my mind many times over the past 16 years because of what my children have exposed me to. Rather than tell them How they need to be or What they need to be I have decided to just let them be. My yard is full of flowers and trees. My house is full of movies and games. There are swords inside and out and Barbie dolls without shoes. There is no such thing as proper and right in this house. Whomever they grow up to be, I believe nature outweighs nurture. They are allowed to be honest about who they are.
There is only the one question,in this house: "Where are we going today." I guess the answer to that question will determine who we all are tomorrow. We're still evolving. And I couldn't be happier about that.
And because it's hard some parents take the bull by the horns and make declarations of , "baby will do this!" or " baby won't do that!" Some parents want control. I completely understand rules and needs and schedules, but what if you just relaxed and let baby grow up to be what baby needs to be? So what the little tot wants to sleep all day? It's Sunday. I want to sleep all day too. I have learned a great lesson from my children. I have learned to let go.
Normal and conventional are words. They are words that I deem "bad". They are words other parents use when they are trying to lay a guilt trip on you. These aren't words that kids know much less respect.
I am now in a position where, sure the kids run the house: between baseball, internships, band practice, theatre auditions, college visits, vacations that I have to pay for but can't go on, and school meetings; all my ME time has become THEIR time. And I have grown so much because of it.
Because of these kids I get to go places I never would have. I get to meet people that I would have normally passed by. I get new thoughts, new questions, new attitudes constantly. All thrown at me by people who aren't half my age yet. My children are allowed to date people that I certainly never would have been allowed to date. They are allowed to go places I was never allowed to go. They have even lived in neighborhoods I was never allowed to visit. It's called evolving.
Rules are nice, but so is living. I have changed my mind many times over the past 16 years because of what my children have exposed me to. Rather than tell them How they need to be or What they need to be I have decided to just let them be. My yard is full of flowers and trees. My house is full of movies and games. There are swords inside and out and Barbie dolls without shoes. There is no such thing as proper and right in this house. Whomever they grow up to be, I believe nature outweighs nurture. They are allowed to be honest about who they are.
There is only the one question,in this house: "Where are we going today." I guess the answer to that question will determine who we all are tomorrow. We're still evolving. And I couldn't be happier about that.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Pretty and Smart
I used to cry myself to sleep at night, telling myself that I wasn't dumb. I would lay awake and try to figure out how people rationalized that I was stupid. I was painfully shy, genuinely awkward, and had no social skills. I couldn't carry on a conversation, and still can't (that's why I write and am drawn like a moth to social media, because I can have a thought and time to process it); but stupid always seemed harsh. I could, and still can, write a paper on any subject, and I could and still can appreciate textbooks. The talking part was where I failed. And let's face it, no matter what I say people always assume that I am in a bad mood. My father, a man, was the person whom I most mimicked because I saw him give many speeches and sermons in my life. He was my role model for public speaking. When men become passionate about speaking women get turned on; but when women become passionate about speaking....people turn on you.
I got used to being "ugly". I can remember the first time a boy called me ugly. I remember him and no, we're not friends on Facebook. I was in Kindergarten. Ugly was something I understood. I looked different. As I grew up I realized ugly was in the eye of the beholder, but I knew I would never be what the world called pretty so I aimed for somewhere between normal and invisible. I stopped wearing makeup when I turned 30. Okay, except for Mary Kay's Black Cherry lip color. I sleep in it. If you ever have to run from a burning building in the middle of the night: Mary Kay lip color.
I went to college right after high school. I then returned quite a few times. I do have a degree, but some days I just want to barge into that college and demand ALL the degrees that I have earned. I should have been more thoughtful about graduation, but I wasn't in college for the degrees. I went back to college over and over again because I loved the knowledge. I loved the youth movement, I loved seeing the world differently each time I returned. I dream about being a full time student, but some days, some days I just really want all those degrees to hold in people's faces and say, "See! I am not stupid!" I realize that many kids graduate with a four or six year degree and they still don't understand supply and demand, evolution, or the difference between civil and civics. I completely understand that a degree isn't worth the paper it's written on...what matters is what you've retained, and how college has shaped you.
So what did I learn from college? I learned that yes, I am dumb. As I look at the people that I love, I realize I am on the losing end, and this time it is okay. Lilli, sometime last week, was going on about genetics. Now, I understand the basics, but Lil was going on and on. I had to take a deep breath and assume that looking-at-the-floor position so she wouldn't see the deer-in-the-headlights look on my face. I was impressed with her, but I couldn't hold up my end of the conversation. And that's okay.
I now have a lot of people in my life who are just plain smarter than me. By your 40's you should be pretty much done with growing and changing, right? Well, not in this house. I am a very different person today than I was a year ago...because I am dumb enough to surround myself with people who sometimes have to repeat things for me, but I like it. I don't want to be at the top of that sort of evolutionary link, I enjoy being bombarded each day with facts that I have to research and ideas that I have to think about. I never want to be "the smart one" in my little group. I want and hope you will always challenge yourself to find people that know things that you don't know, have been places you've never been, and want things that you can't imagine.
I no longer cry because I'm stupid, okay, I rarely cry anymore at all, but I no longer feel bad about myself. I know what I am: a constant student, a thirsty learner. And for people who tell me that I can't possibly know the answers to EVERYTHING...yes, yes I can. It will just take a little longer. Come back next year and you'll see a different me.
I got used to being "ugly". I can remember the first time a boy called me ugly. I remember him and no, we're not friends on Facebook. I was in Kindergarten. Ugly was something I understood. I looked different. As I grew up I realized ugly was in the eye of the beholder, but I knew I would never be what the world called pretty so I aimed for somewhere between normal and invisible. I stopped wearing makeup when I turned 30. Okay, except for Mary Kay's Black Cherry lip color. I sleep in it. If you ever have to run from a burning building in the middle of the night: Mary Kay lip color.
I went to college right after high school. I then returned quite a few times. I do have a degree, but some days I just want to barge into that college and demand ALL the degrees that I have earned. I should have been more thoughtful about graduation, but I wasn't in college for the degrees. I went back to college over and over again because I loved the knowledge. I loved the youth movement, I loved seeing the world differently each time I returned. I dream about being a full time student, but some days, some days I just really want all those degrees to hold in people's faces and say, "See! I am not stupid!" I realize that many kids graduate with a four or six year degree and they still don't understand supply and demand, evolution, or the difference between civil and civics. I completely understand that a degree isn't worth the paper it's written on...what matters is what you've retained, and how college has shaped you.
So what did I learn from college? I learned that yes, I am dumb. As I look at the people that I love, I realize I am on the losing end, and this time it is okay. Lilli, sometime last week, was going on about genetics. Now, I understand the basics, but Lil was going on and on. I had to take a deep breath and assume that looking-at-the-floor position so she wouldn't see the deer-in-the-headlights look on my face. I was impressed with her, but I couldn't hold up my end of the conversation. And that's okay.
I now have a lot of people in my life who are just plain smarter than me. By your 40's you should be pretty much done with growing and changing, right? Well, not in this house. I am a very different person today than I was a year ago...because I am dumb enough to surround myself with people who sometimes have to repeat things for me, but I like it. I don't want to be at the top of that sort of evolutionary link, I enjoy being bombarded each day with facts that I have to research and ideas that I have to think about. I never want to be "the smart one" in my little group. I want and hope you will always challenge yourself to find people that know things that you don't know, have been places you've never been, and want things that you can't imagine.
I no longer cry because I'm stupid, okay, I rarely cry anymore at all, but I no longer feel bad about myself. I know what I am: a constant student, a thirsty learner. And for people who tell me that I can't possibly know the answers to EVERYTHING...yes, yes I can. It will just take a little longer. Come back next year and you'll see a different me.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Is it Sexy to Bang your Head Against the Keyboard?
Go ahead and hate your neighbor,
Go ahead and cheat a friend.
Do it in the name of Heaven,
You can justify it in the end.
~Lambert/Potter
Anytime you teach your children to hate a group of people based on their color, their dialect, their sexuality or their religion, you become a card carrying member of Bigots for Jesus. Do you need a membership card?
Jesus was born in the Middle East. He spoke Hebrew, Aramaic, and probably Greek...but I bet Jesus spoke Latin too. He seems the type that would know a little bit. English was not his second language. He didn't know America even existed.
The Bible says something about loving your neighbor...but you need to love your neighbor as G-d loves you. This means you cannot pick and choose which verses of the Bible you use to attack people. It means simply that you DON'T attack people. You have no power in G-d to say, "I love you, but....." I love you, but you may not have basic human rights of water, food, health care, love, marriage, childhood....I love you, but I am better than you. G-d loves me more and you will only burn in hell; therefore I don't have to care for you. I can love you, but from a distance.
If you grow up in my house or you expect to ever break bread with me then be prepared. I will tolerate the "I don't like that behavior" attitude. I will not tolerate the "They are a separate race" attitude. I will not tolerate the "I sin, but their sin is worse than mine." attitude.
PICK UP THE STONE.THROW IT AT YOUR HEAD. Now you know how people feel when they spend time with you.
I spent years alienating beautiful, smart, funny, loving people because I hated abortion. I hated witches. (In fairness, I never hated gays because we never had anybody come out of the closet here and so, I didn't know I was supposed to hate them too.) I hated the tree-hugging liberals. I had no heart to love anybody the way Jesus called me to because I was so hung up on trying to be virtuous and righteous and preach to people about how they lived a sinful life. I was a horrible person...but G-d loved me the most.
The Bible also says the world is flat and that you may stone people and that you shouldn't wear polyester. I tell you...that is the truth. Polyester sucks..and smells bad. If you are going to do what the Bible says ...then you have to do the WHOLE thing. Not just the verses that make you feel like you are good and are going to get rewards in heaven.
A good Christian will drive someone out of church faster than a bad atheist.
......it's your choice. You have free will. You can be a member of Bigots for Jesus or you can hang out with us tree-hugging, gay parading, Blair Witch loving liberals. Or maybe you can just be somebody who loves their Lord, does good for good's sake and loves us all....is it really a hard decision?
Go ahead and cheat a friend.
Do it in the name of Heaven,
You can justify it in the end.
~Lambert/Potter
Anytime you teach your children to hate a group of people based on their color, their dialect, their sexuality or their religion, you become a card carrying member of Bigots for Jesus. Do you need a membership card?
Jesus was born in the Middle East. He spoke Hebrew, Aramaic, and probably Greek...but I bet Jesus spoke Latin too. He seems the type that would know a little bit. English was not his second language. He didn't know America even existed.
The Bible says something about loving your neighbor...but you need to love your neighbor as G-d loves you. This means you cannot pick and choose which verses of the Bible you use to attack people. It means simply that you DON'T attack people. You have no power in G-d to say, "I love you, but....." I love you, but you may not have basic human rights of water, food, health care, love, marriage, childhood....I love you, but I am better than you. G-d loves me more and you will only burn in hell; therefore I don't have to care for you. I can love you, but from a distance.
If you grow up in my house or you expect to ever break bread with me then be prepared. I will tolerate the "I don't like that behavior" attitude. I will not tolerate the "They are a separate race" attitude. I will not tolerate the "I sin, but their sin is worse than mine." attitude.
PICK UP THE STONE.THROW IT AT YOUR HEAD. Now you know how people feel when they spend time with you.
I spent years alienating beautiful, smart, funny, loving people because I hated abortion. I hated witches. (In fairness, I never hated gays because we never had anybody come out of the closet here and so, I didn't know I was supposed to hate them too.) I hated the tree-hugging liberals. I had no heart to love anybody the way Jesus called me to because I was so hung up on trying to be virtuous and righteous and preach to people about how they lived a sinful life. I was a horrible person...but G-d loved me the most.
The Bible also says the world is flat and that you may stone people and that you shouldn't wear polyester. I tell you...that is the truth. Polyester sucks..and smells bad. If you are going to do what the Bible says ...then you have to do the WHOLE thing. Not just the verses that make you feel like you are good and are going to get rewards in heaven.
A good Christian will drive someone out of church faster than a bad atheist.
......it's your choice. You have free will. You can be a member of Bigots for Jesus or you can hang out with us tree-hugging, gay parading, Blair Witch loving liberals. Or maybe you can just be somebody who loves their Lord, does good for good's sake and loves us all....is it really a hard decision?
Monday, April 16, 2012
Adam and Eve, stupid Damon Lindelof and Me, as Cain the American
"Lost" was a good show. It featured a lot of science stuff and references to historical figures that kids today know nothing of. Lindelof has admitted he didn't have a clue what he was doing...Twitter never lies. He strung us along promising this show was not about death or forgiveness and that it was going to be "real". As "real" as he could make it. Lindelof, as cute as he is, sucks. The last season of "Lost" sucked. They were dead. He lied. I would totes still date him, but people lie.
I wanted "Lost" to be real, to focus on the science and the history, but it wasn't. I wanted to see that moment of quantum physics explained to middle America; it wasn't. I fear for people who must take their beloved Genesis literally, without explanation. Believing without science or history is a dangerous thing. Most don't know when it was written, where it was written, and the stories of a desert population that it speaks of. Some old-timers even still cling to the story that Moses wrote it...anyway, it certainly doesn't tell the stories of white middle class America. It certainly doesn't speak to running water and Gucci purses. I was one of those people who grew up believing that Genesis was "true". Well, I probably would have been smacked had I even questioned it, but as we grow up and realize that there is a big world out there, we have to question lots of things. But even as a literalist, I always wanted to back people into a corner over Genesis chapter 4.
Cain was thrown out of Eden. So whilst incest ensued to create this great and "chosen" (how I hate that word) people, (? was there another version I missed?) Cain was pushed out into another world. A teeming bright working world. A world of book clubs and science experiments and large marble idols...oh, that was The Others on "Lost" wasn't it? If you remember, I think Cain is the father of Tubal Cain, the man who invents iron working....what can you glean from this? That the world was there. Perhaps G-d did bring Adam and Eve into the story, but if you are a literalist, then you need to take a deep breath and understand that life was being lived outside of Eden. For how long...well, long enough that these people were on the brink of inventing iron working. So, the Bronze age had passed and we are looking at 1200b.c. ~If you're a literalist. Do the math.
Sometimes when we live in a world without Internet or ABC Nightly News, we fail to notice that the Others are even there, much less thriving in nice brick homes with running water and driving automobiles. We are still in the forest trying to get Charlie to learn the difference between a Phillips head screwdriver and a bamboo pole. We are suffering, they have medicine. We are in the dark, clinging to each other during a fierce storm while they have fallout shelters and pancakes. The other side of the story will always be different, but to exclude the other story...to deny that there were Others and deny the life they were living...well, not very literal of you. There will always be excuses. I don't care what Cain did to get thrown out of Eden. The POINT to me is that he had somewhere to go....and just like John Locke, the Others, the hostiles; with all their technology, took him in. I like the nuances of the Cain story.
When the stranger arrives at your door, marked and in need, not speaking your language and not prepared to live in your world; whatever will you do? What if he asks to marry your daughter and teach your children some bizarre language and wants to worships a "Real" G-d that you cannot see? Will you call him crazy? Will you see him as a threat? What if it was you?
What if I was sinful and marked? What if I don't fit in? What if I constantly have to fend off people pushing their religion down my throat when I am doing EXACTLY what I need to be doing? What if I am surrounded by people that speak nonsense and look at me strangely?
I am Cain... I don't care. I will continue to do what I need to do, with the situation I am in, and know that I have already paid my dues. You cannot keep flogging someone whom G-d has already dealt with just to make yourself feel like a mightier person....that's not living literally. Seth may have been given to Eve, but Cain was the father of hard work, thought-provoking innovation, and mixed family. Seems like Cain may actually be an American after all. Strange thing is, that now we have scholars stating that Cain was the son of the serpent... geez, petty much? Well, get behind me, Satan, cause I really am not feeling the love right now. When people have been disconnected from their family, their livelihood, their G-d.....how do you react? Like they deserved it? Nice. Who's the serpent again?
We all have stories, and whether you were pushed out of the church or left willingly, we are all marked. And if you are struggling, then : Hi, my name is Cain. I am sinful but not lost, and my story isn't about death.
I wanted "Lost" to be real, to focus on the science and the history, but it wasn't. I wanted to see that moment of quantum physics explained to middle America; it wasn't. I fear for people who must take their beloved Genesis literally, without explanation. Believing without science or history is a dangerous thing. Most don't know when it was written, where it was written, and the stories of a desert population that it speaks of. Some old-timers even still cling to the story that Moses wrote it...anyway, it certainly doesn't tell the stories of white middle class America. It certainly doesn't speak to running water and Gucci purses. I was one of those people who grew up believing that Genesis was "true". Well, I probably would have been smacked had I even questioned it, but as we grow up and realize that there is a big world out there, we have to question lots of things. But even as a literalist, I always wanted to back people into a corner over Genesis chapter 4.
Cain was thrown out of Eden. So whilst incest ensued to create this great and "chosen" (how I hate that word) people, (? was there another version I missed?) Cain was pushed out into another world. A teeming bright working world. A world of book clubs and science experiments and large marble idols...oh, that was The Others on "Lost" wasn't it? If you remember, I think Cain is the father of Tubal Cain, the man who invents iron working....what can you glean from this? That the world was there. Perhaps G-d did bring Adam and Eve into the story, but if you are a literalist, then you need to take a deep breath and understand that life was being lived outside of Eden. For how long...well, long enough that these people were on the brink of inventing iron working. So, the Bronze age had passed and we are looking at 1200b.c. ~If you're a literalist. Do the math.
Sometimes when we live in a world without Internet or ABC Nightly News, we fail to notice that the Others are even there, much less thriving in nice brick homes with running water and driving automobiles. We are still in the forest trying to get Charlie to learn the difference between a Phillips head screwdriver and a bamboo pole. We are suffering, they have medicine. We are in the dark, clinging to each other during a fierce storm while they have fallout shelters and pancakes. The other side of the story will always be different, but to exclude the other story...to deny that there were Others and deny the life they were living...well, not very literal of you. There will always be excuses. I don't care what Cain did to get thrown out of Eden. The POINT to me is that he had somewhere to go....and just like John Locke, the Others, the hostiles; with all their technology, took him in. I like the nuances of the Cain story.
When the stranger arrives at your door, marked and in need, not speaking your language and not prepared to live in your world; whatever will you do? What if he asks to marry your daughter and teach your children some bizarre language and wants to worships a "Real" G-d that you cannot see? Will you call him crazy? Will you see him as a threat? What if it was you?
What if I was sinful and marked? What if I don't fit in? What if I constantly have to fend off people pushing their religion down my throat when I am doing EXACTLY what I need to be doing? What if I am surrounded by people that speak nonsense and look at me strangely?
I am Cain... I don't care. I will continue to do what I need to do, with the situation I am in, and know that I have already paid my dues. You cannot keep flogging someone whom G-d has already dealt with just to make yourself feel like a mightier person....that's not living literally. Seth may have been given to Eve, but Cain was the father of hard work, thought-provoking innovation, and mixed family. Seems like Cain may actually be an American after all. Strange thing is, that now we have scholars stating that Cain was the son of the serpent... geez, petty much? Well, get behind me, Satan, cause I really am not feeling the love right now. When people have been disconnected from their family, their livelihood, their G-d.....how do you react? Like they deserved it? Nice. Who's the serpent again?
We all have stories, and whether you were pushed out of the church or left willingly, we are all marked. And if you are struggling, then : Hi, my name is Cain. I am sinful but not lost, and my story isn't about death.
Monday, April 2, 2012
2 Weeks and Grocery Money
This week I was able to meet author and activist Lynne Cherry. She was in Hickory in support of the "Little Read" program. Ms. Cherry had spent the week reading her books on conservation and ecology to 2nd graders throughout Catawba County. There were many things that she said that struck a nerve in me. After some time to digest many of her ideas I was reminded of my friend Kristi A. Kristi and her family gave up something very precious for the Lenten season. They gave up grocery shopping. That's right ~ they gave up buying food. They were able to get milk and eggs and some refrigerated items,but Kristi and her family decided to eat what they had in the pantry. If this sounds "easy" to you, please think about NOT going to the store this week and buying macaroni just because that's what kid number three lives off of. You might also be surprised as to what you have hidden in your pantry that you really don't even like to eat. The idea that we should eat what we already have is not, in my opinion, an American concept. We are consumers, and if ice cream is on sale then we need to get it now because it won't be on sale again for what...3 weeks? (the horror.). In a land of consumption, we are taught to FEAR that the item that we love may run out! We buy into the marketing, we buy into the consumption, we buy, we buy, we buy.
Albert gets paid on Thursday. On Thursday, I will not be driving to the grocery to spend my regular $140.00 on groceries for the week. We have made a deal in this family: For the next 2 weeks we will use what we have. If we run out of something or need something for dinner then we will walk to the grocery and buy what we need. Now, you all know that we walk to get milk, bread and such each week. Walking to the store is not the point. If it should rain, sleet, or snow, then Albert will pick it up on his way home from work. The point being no excess food in the house and no excess driving to get food.
We live in an area where we walk the kids to their bowling league on Saturdays. We walk to the park. We walk to the library and the theatre and the movies. We carry cloth bags to the store and yes we recycle. Are we tree-huggers? No, we are just people who have kids that need to continue to live in this world without being of this world. I hope that at the end of these 2 weeks that we will find that we have a little more money and maybe the trend will continue. I hope to update this in 2 weeks...I also hope I know what I am doing. :)
Albert gets paid on Thursday. On Thursday, I will not be driving to the grocery to spend my regular $140.00 on groceries for the week. We have made a deal in this family: For the next 2 weeks we will use what we have. If we run out of something or need something for dinner then we will walk to the grocery and buy what we need. Now, you all know that we walk to get milk, bread and such each week. Walking to the store is not the point. If it should rain, sleet, or snow, then Albert will pick it up on his way home from work. The point being no excess food in the house and no excess driving to get food.
We live in an area where we walk the kids to their bowling league on Saturdays. We walk to the park. We walk to the library and the theatre and the movies. We carry cloth bags to the store and yes we recycle. Are we tree-huggers? No, we are just people who have kids that need to continue to live in this world without being of this world. I hope that at the end of these 2 weeks that we will find that we have a little more money and maybe the trend will continue. I hope to update this in 2 weeks...I also hope I know what I am doing. :)
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Debbie-Downer
As parents there aren't enough love letters that we can leave behind for our children. Each day gives us the opportunity to plant a tree for them, write a song for them, or just tell them the truth. Our children aren't always seen by the world the same way we see them. Sometimes we see our kids as bullies and troublemakers, but their teachers swear they are joys!. Sometimes we see simple, big-hearted kids where other kids see a big intimidating smart-mouth. We may never reconcile our view with the world view of our children, but even when they fail...even when they do something so stupid that it leaves you wondering how you will ever forgive them, please remember that at some point in the past you were wholeheartedly in love with this child. You saw potential and spirit and love. You saw yourself and you saw G-d. That person is still there somewhere. That baby, your baby still deserves love. You cannot and should not ever re-write history. Hold the loveliness of that baby in your heart and love that child for that moment in time. Reconcile when you can....but you can't write off the feelings and love letters that are scattered all over your house and your yard. Even when you cannot reconcile, you owe it to yourself and your soul to remember the good times, the good parts.
And when the day comes that I have to hang my head as a parent and say "what was my child thinking?", I hope that I can see the difference between a bad person and a bad mistake and I hope that I am mature enough, and patient enough, not with them, but with myself, that I might treat myself kindly and not let the world beat me up. I hope that I am mature enough to ask questions and hear all sides rather than just get angry and make things worse.
Are there fences that cannot be mended? Sure. Are some grown children best left to their own devices? Sure. Should you ever pretend that years of love and sacrifice and smiles and high-fives never existed? No. Sometimes we may have to love at a distance...whether it's through miles or through years, but I think that I would rather live in the past with a child that I adore than live in the present denying that I ever had a relationship.
I don't know how other parents cope when their kids fail. I just hope, I ache with hope, that I will be a real person and not a "mommy" about things. But I know that as I sit here and look at their baby pictures that I am so in love with the little people that I knew and I am in agony that I have to watch them grow up at all.
The world sucks and people are mean...or reverse that, the world is mean and people suck. All I know is that I am tired of being part of the problem. I don't know what people mean when they say, "Set your child up for success." How do I do that when the world is full of people looking to hate anything good? Kids should be allowed to be kids. And we should be "allowed" to love them through their childhood without constantly looking over our shoulders for the bad guys knowing that so many people are looking back at us.
And when the day comes that I have to hang my head as a parent and say "what was my child thinking?", I hope that I can see the difference between a bad person and a bad mistake and I hope that I am mature enough, and patient enough, not with them, but with myself, that I might treat myself kindly and not let the world beat me up. I hope that I am mature enough to ask questions and hear all sides rather than just get angry and make things worse.
Are there fences that cannot be mended? Sure. Are some grown children best left to their own devices? Sure. Should you ever pretend that years of love and sacrifice and smiles and high-fives never existed? No. Sometimes we may have to love at a distance...whether it's through miles or through years, but I think that I would rather live in the past with a child that I adore than live in the present denying that I ever had a relationship.
I don't know how other parents cope when their kids fail. I just hope, I ache with hope, that I will be a real person and not a "mommy" about things. But I know that as I sit here and look at their baby pictures that I am so in love with the little people that I knew and I am in agony that I have to watch them grow up at all.
The world sucks and people are mean...or reverse that, the world is mean and people suck. All I know is that I am tired of being part of the problem. I don't know what people mean when they say, "Set your child up for success." How do I do that when the world is full of people looking to hate anything good? Kids should be allowed to be kids. And we should be "allowed" to love them through their childhood without constantly looking over our shoulders for the bad guys knowing that so many people are looking back at us.
Friday, March 16, 2012
tread lightly
You can determine if a person has created their own religion by watching them create their own enemies. ~mama shey
Monday, March 5, 2012
I Hope You Like Me
I am not good with anniversaries. I never remember my own wedding anniversary, and if my birthday were any other day but January first, I probably would forget it. Today Marsha called and said that she needed to be alone tomorrow...it took me a second. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death. I don't hold a memorial or vigil any day of the year for any thing. I think grief happens daily and in new and different ways to everyone. I, even in that moment of passing, experience a joyous and loving grief.
I knew my father. I knew what he said and what he meant, I know when he was wrong and when he was right. I follow the good advice and smile and roll my eyes at the bad. Not all parents are a gift. Not all parents are a blessing. I see this everyday. I see my own failures each day.
I knew Walt...and I liked him. During one of our last fights I told him that I loved him...not words that are ever spoken in our household, but they needed to be spoken that day even in anger. I told him I loved him but more importantly that I liked him. Walt was speechless. He didn't understand what that meant.
In life my children sometimes you love your family and sometimes you tolerate them, but when you get to know your flesh and blood deeply and you appreciate them and learn that the truth is that you LIKE them, then you have something. The respect you hold for me as mom or the trust you have in me will never come from our shared blood, it will always come, if it comes at all, through your ability to stop looking at me as a mother and start liking me as a person. You are not "my" children. I don't own you. But I hope to spend many hours throughout your adulthood getting to now you and letting you get to know me. In doing this we open the door for joyous living, joyous sharing, and joyous grief.
I knew my father. I knew what he said and what he meant, I know when he was wrong and when he was right. I follow the good advice and smile and roll my eyes at the bad. Not all parents are a gift. Not all parents are a blessing. I see this everyday. I see my own failures each day.
I knew Walt...and I liked him. During one of our last fights I told him that I loved him...not words that are ever spoken in our household, but they needed to be spoken that day even in anger. I told him I loved him but more importantly that I liked him. Walt was speechless. He didn't understand what that meant.
In life my children sometimes you love your family and sometimes you tolerate them, but when you get to know your flesh and blood deeply and you appreciate them and learn that the truth is that you LIKE them, then you have something. The respect you hold for me as mom or the trust you have in me will never come from our shared blood, it will always come, if it comes at all, through your ability to stop looking at me as a mother and start liking me as a person. You are not "my" children. I don't own you. But I hope to spend many hours throughout your adulthood getting to now you and letting you get to know me. In doing this we open the door for joyous living, joyous sharing, and joyous grief.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
hips and hearts
The truth is in youth we are physically bendable, but fragile on the inside. Eventually, things change and we become physically fragile and our hearts learn how to bend, not break. The true test of your adulthood will come when you worry more about breaking your hip than your heart.
The world may break you physically, but they can't touch a heart that bounces. I love you. You are going to be okay.
The world may break you physically, but they can't touch a heart that bounces. I love you. You are going to be okay.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Feel the Void or Fill the Void
" It is very easy to create, but it is even easier to consume. I worry about people consuming and consuming and not learning the joy of creating." ~Amber Case
Some people believe that we are all born with some sort of hole or emptiness inside of us and that we find our purpose for life by trying to fill that space. I believe that we are organic creatures filled with water born with a porousness that soaks up and soaks in everything around us. I believe that being born into a techno, electric, brick and mortar world has caused our souls to recoil. We no longer bring our children into a world where they are met by mossy blankets and the smell of rosemary. Their first breaths are often filled with cigarette smoke while their brains try to understand the sounds of television. We are introducing our children to things that are not organic, although quite human, still not natural and our souls are still reeling from the want of safe and pleasant and cool and comfortable.
I grew up around people who shopped. It was normal to go to the mall or the store each weekend. Money would be spent and shoes would be bought. Each week would net us sweaters, coats, shoes, magazines, throw away items that were not needed. Money and consumerism were the things that filled that emptiness. For some people it is alcohol. For others it is an insatiable need to read books. Some people have gardens or collections, and some have religion.
I was in my mid twenties when I finally learned what it was my soul needed. I was so full of ...what's a nice word?.... crazy (?) ...confusion(?) bile (?)...that I needed to purge everything, absolutely everything fake needed to come out. I started painting then. I would paint anything. I learned that rather than filling this void within me, rather than feeding it what the world said was good for me, rather than consuming until I exploded, I needed to purge. Whatever was in me needed out. The canvas became a place of great horror and great comfort. Some nights I could only sleep after I put all the nastiness of the day on a canvas. I also learned how to paint the things I loved. The places I needed to be, the voices I needed to hear. I would feel the void rather than fill the void because I know everything I am and everything I need to be is already in here. I just need to scoop away the junk, the evil, the blandness that life lays out for us to breathe in.
I also learned that I need to pay homage to the beauty that I see, the love that I feel. In those moments when I cannot tell you how much I love or need, it is easy for me to create. There has been a balance created within me. I have to become a part of the world that creates for the sake of beauty also.
I am porous. I soak up color, sound, light, smells and ideas. I respond not by trying to gather more of those things, but by trying to identify what I need and what is helpful to me and purging what I don't need. I also take these colors and lights ad smells and turn them into beautiful works of art, whether they be on a canvas, on a typewriter,or on a dress form, my vision, that view of moment is honest and original and organic. The clothes I create I often describe as romantically ugly. Everything I do shows a delicacy, but there is something there too that is worldly and ugly. Maybe numb and or happy are places I would like to be, but they are places that I am not comfortable being. Maybe because my brain never stops. I just know that I have to create to find a little harmony in myself. It is in that moment of creating that I am allowed to understand the heaviness of all things and respect the beauty and the bile.
Some people believe that we are all born with some sort of hole or emptiness inside of us and that we find our purpose for life by trying to fill that space. I believe that we are organic creatures filled with water born with a porousness that soaks up and soaks in everything around us. I believe that being born into a techno, electric, brick and mortar world has caused our souls to recoil. We no longer bring our children into a world where they are met by mossy blankets and the smell of rosemary. Their first breaths are often filled with cigarette smoke while their brains try to understand the sounds of television. We are introducing our children to things that are not organic, although quite human, still not natural and our souls are still reeling from the want of safe and pleasant and cool and comfortable.
I grew up around people who shopped. It was normal to go to the mall or the store each weekend. Money would be spent and shoes would be bought. Each week would net us sweaters, coats, shoes, magazines, throw away items that were not needed. Money and consumerism were the things that filled that emptiness. For some people it is alcohol. For others it is an insatiable need to read books. Some people have gardens or collections, and some have religion.
I was in my mid twenties when I finally learned what it was my soul needed. I was so full of ...what's a nice word?.... crazy (?) ...confusion(?) bile (?)...that I needed to purge everything, absolutely everything fake needed to come out. I started painting then. I would paint anything. I learned that rather than filling this void within me, rather than feeding it what the world said was good for me, rather than consuming until I exploded, I needed to purge. Whatever was in me needed out. The canvas became a place of great horror and great comfort. Some nights I could only sleep after I put all the nastiness of the day on a canvas. I also learned how to paint the things I loved. The places I needed to be, the voices I needed to hear. I would feel the void rather than fill the void because I know everything I am and everything I need to be is already in here. I just need to scoop away the junk, the evil, the blandness that life lays out for us to breathe in.
I also learned that I need to pay homage to the beauty that I see, the love that I feel. In those moments when I cannot tell you how much I love or need, it is easy for me to create. There has been a balance created within me. I have to become a part of the world that creates for the sake of beauty also.
I am porous. I soak up color, sound, light, smells and ideas. I respond not by trying to gather more of those things, but by trying to identify what I need and what is helpful to me and purging what I don't need. I also take these colors and lights ad smells and turn them into beautiful works of art, whether they be on a canvas, on a typewriter,or on a dress form, my vision, that view of moment is honest and original and organic. The clothes I create I often describe as romantically ugly. Everything I do shows a delicacy, but there is something there too that is worldly and ugly. Maybe numb and or happy are places I would like to be, but they are places that I am not comfortable being. Maybe because my brain never stops. I just know that I have to create to find a little harmony in myself. It is in that moment of creating that I am allowed to understand the heaviness of all things and respect the beauty and the bile.
Friday, January 20, 2012
I Just want to Buy One More Thing...
To my children,
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true." ~LORD POLONIUS (Hamlet)
Americans are somehow guaranteed credit cards as soon as they hit college. We have taught two generations that living in debt is not just easy and affordable but completely acceptable. The credit card companies have convinced us that if we qualify for a large loan that somehow equates us with the rich and deserving. It is as if we have gotten a gift. How many times have we opened up a credit card statement and gotten giddy because they raised our limit. It's not a compliment. It's a way of saying, "We know we have you. Actually, we own you." I want you to understand the world as I see it. I want you to know why I live like I do.
I bought my home when I was making $15,000 a year. I had a car that was bought second hand and paid for. When Albert and I got married, we waited about 3 weeks then cut up all of our credit cards. We already had enough debt and knew that our credit ratings were bad. What we didn't need was to add to that everyday pressure. What we needed was to get rid of our debt and not add anymore to it. Having a mortgage is debt enough.
I was working at the front desk of the hotel one day when two ladies decided to check in. They wanted to know everything about the Furniture Mart. The first lady whipped out her credit card and said, "I want a good room. I just got this in the mail and I have a $5,000 limit. We are going to go refurnish our house." Yes, she was bragging. In my world, $5,000 is close to what most of my neighbors pay for a year's mortgage payment. This woman was willing to spend a year's mortgage payment on her new furniture, a night at a hotel and a few meals at Applebee's. And she was Proud of herself. She will, if she doesn't default, have this card in her pocketbook, making minimal payments for close to 15 years. She will be charging small things like socks and underwear on it because her money is being sucked up in credit card debt and she cannot afford to go to Kmart and buy socks with a ten dollar bill. It's a cycle. She will miss a mortgage payment to pay the credit card bills so that she can buy groceries on the card and eat for this month. Then she'll have enough left over on the card to go to the movies. The pattern will repeat indefinitely till she loses the house or defaults on the card. Then comes a lawsuit. Is this how you want to live?
How much does each American owe in credit card debt?
"....Even with those changes, however, the average household reports credit card debts of $4,700, while lenders report an average balance per household of $7,134." ~NYT Jan 20, 2012
So not only are Americans not paying their debts, they are underestimating how much they owe. But these same households who want to live the good life off their credit cards are killing themselves financially by paying interest on those cards. A $2,000 computer may end up costing you $4,000 if you constantly pay a minimum payment or you have to pay late fees. Think about what you want..one computer or one that costs the price of two? A gallon of milk may wind up costing $7.00. Make a choice now and make a promise to yourself.
Going into debt for a home or a college loan is perfectly acceptable as long as you are determined to pay those loans off. This year Albert and I decided not to accept our federal tax return. Instead, we rolled it over to pay my student loan. I now have a great portion of my loan paid off. Did we need the money? You will always find that you need money, but what few people have learned is the difference between needing and wanting. We need to get this debt paid off more than we need to go on vacation.
I know a woman who gets angry with her husband and goes to the store with credit card in hand and spends a few hundred dollars. She is punishing him while making herself feel better. If he can't give her the things that she wants then she feels as if she is entitled to go get them herself. What she is doing is trying to fill a void that love or money or food cannot fill. She is desperately grasping for something to make herself feel good. That, my children, has to come from within. If you feel that void, try rearranging your life, rather than buying a new one.
It is one thing to have financial difficulty that arises from lack of work or medical bills. There are many reasons why people suffer financially, but is credit card debt something else you want to add to your daily struggles?
If you love yourself then work for yourself and let your money work for you. If you have debt, at least have a good insurance policy. Your children don't want your debt. And you probably don't want your children asking you what in the world you spent so much money on if you have nothing to show for it. Truth is, you didn't spend it on "living". Do you really want your kids spending their own money on you after you're dead?
This year I promise to get things in order. I don't care what it costs me emotionally or socially, I will make sure my affairs are in order so that you don' t have to worry about "my" financial situation once I am gone. Just promise me that you will take care of yours when the time comes.
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true." ~LORD POLONIUS (Hamlet)
Americans are somehow guaranteed credit cards as soon as they hit college. We have taught two generations that living in debt is not just easy and affordable but completely acceptable. The credit card companies have convinced us that if we qualify for a large loan that somehow equates us with the rich and deserving. It is as if we have gotten a gift. How many times have we opened up a credit card statement and gotten giddy because they raised our limit. It's not a compliment. It's a way of saying, "We know we have you. Actually, we own you." I want you to understand the world as I see it. I want you to know why I live like I do.
I bought my home when I was making $15,000 a year. I had a car that was bought second hand and paid for. When Albert and I got married, we waited about 3 weeks then cut up all of our credit cards. We already had enough debt and knew that our credit ratings were bad. What we didn't need was to add to that everyday pressure. What we needed was to get rid of our debt and not add anymore to it. Having a mortgage is debt enough.
I was working at the front desk of the hotel one day when two ladies decided to check in. They wanted to know everything about the Furniture Mart. The first lady whipped out her credit card and said, "I want a good room. I just got this in the mail and I have a $5,000 limit. We are going to go refurnish our house." Yes, she was bragging. In my world, $5,000 is close to what most of my neighbors pay for a year's mortgage payment. This woman was willing to spend a year's mortgage payment on her new furniture, a night at a hotel and a few meals at Applebee's. And she was Proud of herself. She will, if she doesn't default, have this card in her pocketbook, making minimal payments for close to 15 years. She will be charging small things like socks and underwear on it because her money is being sucked up in credit card debt and she cannot afford to go to Kmart and buy socks with a ten dollar bill. It's a cycle. She will miss a mortgage payment to pay the credit card bills so that she can buy groceries on the card and eat for this month. Then she'll have enough left over on the card to go to the movies. The pattern will repeat indefinitely till she loses the house or defaults on the card. Then comes a lawsuit. Is this how you want to live?
How much does each American owe in credit card debt?
"....Even with those changes, however, the average household reports credit card debts of $4,700, while lenders report an average balance per household of $7,134." ~NYT Jan 20, 2012
So not only are Americans not paying their debts, they are underestimating how much they owe. But these same households who want to live the good life off their credit cards are killing themselves financially by paying interest on those cards. A $2,000 computer may end up costing you $4,000 if you constantly pay a minimum payment or you have to pay late fees. Think about what you want..one computer or one that costs the price of two? A gallon of milk may wind up costing $7.00. Make a choice now and make a promise to yourself.
Going into debt for a home or a college loan is perfectly acceptable as long as you are determined to pay those loans off. This year Albert and I decided not to accept our federal tax return. Instead, we rolled it over to pay my student loan. I now have a great portion of my loan paid off. Did we need the money? You will always find that you need money, but what few people have learned is the difference between needing and wanting. We need to get this debt paid off more than we need to go on vacation.
I know a woman who gets angry with her husband and goes to the store with credit card in hand and spends a few hundred dollars. She is punishing him while making herself feel better. If he can't give her the things that she wants then she feels as if she is entitled to go get them herself. What she is doing is trying to fill a void that love or money or food cannot fill. She is desperately grasping for something to make herself feel good. That, my children, has to come from within. If you feel that void, try rearranging your life, rather than buying a new one.
It is one thing to have financial difficulty that arises from lack of work or medical bills. There are many reasons why people suffer financially, but is credit card debt something else you want to add to your daily struggles?
If you love yourself then work for yourself and let your money work for you. If you have debt, at least have a good insurance policy. Your children don't want your debt. And you probably don't want your children asking you what in the world you spent so much money on if you have nothing to show for it. Truth is, you didn't spend it on "living". Do you really want your kids spending their own money on you after you're dead?
This year I promise to get things in order. I don't care what it costs me emotionally or socially, I will make sure my affairs are in order so that you don' t have to worry about "my" financial situation once I am gone. Just promise me that you will take care of yours when the time comes.
Monday, January 9, 2012
New Year...Old You? Never!!
So, here we are. The new year has started and we have all made unbelievable resolutions...and we are all miserable. Christmas is hard. The number of people who spend Christmas and New Years in a state of depression is astronomical. Too too many. We are going to snap out of it Today and be great, vibrant, well adjusted members of society...or at least fake it and make people jealous. Ready? GO!
1. This month we will spend 20.00 on a Christmas present for 2012. Find something unique and interesting at an antique shop and buy it for the mother, mother-in-law, bus driver...somebody.
2. We will take the credit card in our wallet with the smallest balance ( I am hoping that would be between 50.00 and 100.00 dollars, if not call me) and we are cutting it up and paying it off. You can do this by simply NOT going to the steakhouse once this month and by skipping 3 meals as a family at the fast food joint. Do Not Re-Apply for credit card.
3. We are Not going to join a gym. We will go to the dollar store and purchase one pedometer. We will wear it on Friday. Saturday and Sunday. If we do not walk 2500 steps each day, call me. Okay, also on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we will carry a notebook in which we will write down everything (no cheating) we eat. We are NOT counting calories, we are simply getting honest about what food goes in our mouths and how much we are moving each day.
4. We will sit at the dining room table 2 nights a week as a family.
5. We will take the animals before the end of the month and get them rabies shots. (something like $7.00 at local animal shelter)
6. We will replace the batteries in the smoke alarms and get a carbon monoxide detector. ($25.00 at Lowe's )
When I was a teenager, I had a studio apartment and lived alone. I had these pictures of supermodels on the bathroom door. I looked at their make-up, their clothes, their hair. I idolized those girls. I wanted to be THAT pretty. I wanted to be able to walk in a restaurant and get free food and have fabulous friends and just be all around glamorous. It was easy to let their shiny faces get me depressed and keep me in sweats and tee shirts. It still is. What I have learned is that if I get up with a good attitude, brush my hair, and put on some half decent clothes, people do stop and respond. It is about attitude. Maybe we will never be supermodel thin or gorgeous...but a few good sales, a few good haircuts, and a love of self with a selfless heart can make us supermodel cool this year. Take care of you because we always say..." Well, when the kids move out I want to..." Take care of yourself now. All my love.
1. This month we will spend 20.00 on a Christmas present for 2012. Find something unique and interesting at an antique shop and buy it for the mother, mother-in-law, bus driver...somebody.
2. We will take the credit card in our wallet with the smallest balance ( I am hoping that would be between 50.00 and 100.00 dollars, if not call me) and we are cutting it up and paying it off. You can do this by simply NOT going to the steakhouse once this month and by skipping 3 meals as a family at the fast food joint. Do Not Re-Apply for credit card.
3. We are Not going to join a gym. We will go to the dollar store and purchase one pedometer. We will wear it on Friday. Saturday and Sunday. If we do not walk 2500 steps each day, call me. Okay, also on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we will carry a notebook in which we will write down everything (no cheating) we eat. We are NOT counting calories, we are simply getting honest about what food goes in our mouths and how much we are moving each day.
4. We will sit at the dining room table 2 nights a week as a family.
5. We will take the animals before the end of the month and get them rabies shots. (something like $7.00 at local animal shelter)
6. We will replace the batteries in the smoke alarms and get a carbon monoxide detector. ($25.00 at Lowe's )
When I was a teenager, I had a studio apartment and lived alone. I had these pictures of supermodels on the bathroom door. I looked at their make-up, their clothes, their hair. I idolized those girls. I wanted to be THAT pretty. I wanted to be able to walk in a restaurant and get free food and have fabulous friends and just be all around glamorous. It was easy to let their shiny faces get me depressed and keep me in sweats and tee shirts. It still is. What I have learned is that if I get up with a good attitude, brush my hair, and put on some half decent clothes, people do stop and respond. It is about attitude. Maybe we will never be supermodel thin or gorgeous...but a few good sales, a few good haircuts, and a love of self with a selfless heart can make us supermodel cool this year. Take care of you because we always say..." Well, when the kids move out I want to..." Take care of yourself now. All my love.
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