It started with a lump in my breast. Then came a year of startling revelations. I didn't want to have cancer and I didn't want to die holding a son that would never remember his mommy. I was scared and heartbroken. In the end a quick simple out patient procedure found nothing abnormal, but I had decisions to make. Did I want anymore children? The answer was no. Having kids was wonderful, but the thought of leaving one behind that couldn't write his name much less pronounce mine was crushing. After much, much, much deliberation it was decided that my husband would have a vasectomy. It would be a selfless act on his part.
And then we waited. day 4, day 12, day 22, day 29.....sigh.....It was day 29 that did it.
I was in a raw panic. Sheer torture. What the hell just happened.
Day 104. Albert say "I was wondering when you were going to tell me...."
She came into the world bringing with her a softness I had never seen. A beauty and gentleness that I had never allowed myself to tap into. She was plump and round and glowing. It took hours to name her. She was so very tiny. Her willpower brought her here. And nothing has been the same since. They say that some children bring families together. She reminds us every day that she is the center of our universe.
Alice is quick witted, even tempered, and loyal. The problem is that she is so very different from me and Lilli that sometimes we are out of our element with her. And unfortunately we don't get a say so about it. When she was 2 we were looking through a magazine. She found a picture of Diane Kruger (Helen of Troy). Alice points and says, "Do you think that's my real mommy?" She has always been fascinated with trying to find and bond with her own people. We may pass a make-up counter and have to stop because she found some stunning blond that she needs to get to know. She talks consistently about a door on the other side of the sun that leads back to her own world. Alice may love us but I know that she feels urged on by something deeper that wants her to go, meet, grab, grasp, soar. She is looking for those that aren't just lovely on the outside but have the same willpower: The generous of spirit, the rah-rahs that cheer you on regardless of the score, those that believe in fairies and magic. She knows she is fabulous but she questions why we don't see ourselves that way.
I have found a new love of lipstick, make-up, high heels, nail polish, and Reese Peanut Butter Cups thanks to this tiny loud mouthed charmer. She reminds me each day that you need to wear something that makes you look pretty. You need to feel pretty. You need to feel worthy. What is keeping you from smiling when there is so much music playing? What is holding you back and killing your willpower? I will forever be grateful to day 29 and the abundance of life it brought when I thought I was done with new life. I have gone from being the younger mom in the elementary school to being the older. I have gone from hating breakfast to understanding that there is a deep spiritual bond found in sausage and chocolate cake at 7.30 in the morning. I have remembered why it's so important to pray over the flowers after they are planted and talk to them as they grow in sweltering heat. I have had to stop and talk to people that I have nothing in common with because she finds them interesting and worthy.
We are all beautiful, interesting and worthy. You have your own willpower and why the hell don't you wear lipstick when you're angry? It really does make you less angry.... And don't forget to eat your chocolate.
Happy Birthday Tika Rae.
No comments:
Post a Comment