Because She Needs to Hear It

    While the house burned, I sat on Pastor's couch thinking that nothing would ever be okay again. His words to me were, "Do what you have to do." No anger, no excuses. Just get from here, a bad place, to "okay". Point A to point B. Sometimes we really cannot set our standards any higher than going from point A to point B. It seemed like an uphill battle. Along my way I took out some people, clung to some people, and had a few breakdowns.
   A year later, I anticipated the anniversary of the house fire with dread and remorse. That week Walt died. I sat on Pastor's couch and he said, "Do what you need to do." I did. I spoke at my father's funeral, not because I was asked to, but because I needed to show people that I, my family, and Marsha were okay. We had walked from point A to point B. We ended up at a funeral home. Along the way I took out some people, clung to some people, and and had a few breakdowns. But I was there. And I had a lot of people to thank.
   I returned to Pastor's couch and said, "What a great gift Walt gave me."  Pastor look confused. I explained...I lived in fear of this week. I have been dreading the confusion, the anxiety, the horror that I was sure would replay in my head come the 13th of March. Walt gave me a beautiful opportunity to to forget my own troubles, my own fears, and put it behind me. How could a fire in a house compare to the fire that Walt created throughout his life. The burning embers of friends who still call and still want to speak with him. The bright shining lights that do not belong to fire trucks, but to beautiful people who sit by his headstone saying, "Man I wish you were here." I saw a different fire that week. I saw a strong fire that cannot be put out with water. I saw that I was strong, brave and "okay". The house was no longer the center of my attention, people were. My people.
     I walked along 15th  Street  in DC each day I was there. It was my path from point A to point B. Each day I was greeted from a doorstep by an elderly man who held up his hand and said, "Hello family." His smile , his open arms. When I said, "You are a happy man." he responded with, "I'm alright. Everybody should know they alright." Then he smiled. He was homeless and he was at peace with where he was.
    When you have walked through your fire, learned how to go from point A to point B, been given a second chance, you need to embrace the fact that you are "okay".  We will have easy days, but on your hardest days don't you ever believe that the universe is after you,  it's after all of us. Together.  One day you will figure out how to live fully, completely. One day you will sit and know that you are alright, until then, do what you have to do. Take out some people, cling to some people, have a few breakdowns, but always know that there is somebody out there willing to give you a break, a reprieve from your nightmares and let you focus on your strength. When you have that opportunity, grab it and let go of a little of your pain. Replace the burnt wood with some seasoned  people. Replace the water soaked clothes with some baptism in your own pool of beauty. Give yourself a chance to let go of a little anger. Walk your path and make peace with wherever you wind up. You are going to be alright.
 
        Start walking beautiful. You are on your way to "okay"  ~Mama Shey

Age of Reasoning

     SO, THIS WEEK HAS BEEN A HARD ONE. I FIND MYSELF NEEDLESSLY AT A THRESHOLD. I HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED THAT MY YOUNGEST IS NOT OLD ENOUGH TO ATTEND SCHOOL THIS AUGUST; I HAVE NO QUALMS WITH THAT. I COULD STAY WITH THAT ONE FOREVER AND NEVER GET BORED, BUT I REALIZED PART OF ME WAS AWAKENING TO THE IDEA OF BEING SOMETHING OTHER THAN "MOM".  THIS WEEK I SPENT A DAY ALONE. IT WAS EMOTIONALLY DRAINING AND I FOUND MYSELF NEEDING PERMISSION TO DO ANYTHING REMOTELY FUN. I CONTEMPLATED WHAT BIG PROJECT I COULD DO, WHERE I COULD GO, HOW I COULD SOLVE THAT SPACE-TIME THING. I WAS MISERABLE.  
     I HAVE OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS ACQUIRED A FEW WONDERFUL WOMEN IN MY LIFE. I WAS NOT "ALONE" AFTER ALL, YET IN THE QUIET OF A CAR RIDE OR THE MONOTONY OF DISH-WASHING, I WAS FORCED UPON A THRESHOLD........WHAT DOES LIFE BECOME NOW?
HAVING CHILDREN IS LIKE WATCHING G-D REACH DOWN, PULL OUT THE SMALLEST MOST SECRETIVE PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY AND THEN WATERING IT AND LETTING IT GROW INTO AN ALTERED FORM OF YOU. IT IS SCARY AND BIZARRE TO SEE YOUR KIDS DO THINGS OR BE THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF YOU. IT'S AS IF THEY HAVE BEEN SENT TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU HAVE JUST SIMPLY TURNED OFF A GOOD PORTION OF YOUR PERSONALITY ALONG WITH  YOUR WANTS, FEARS, YOUR ANGER. I SEE MYSELF DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE OF THEM.
  I SPENT  SOME TIME IN AN ANTIQUE STORE CONTEMPLATING WHAT THE OLD ME WOULD HAVE LOVED. I FOUND THE LACY HANDKERCHIEFS, THE LOVELY LADIES GLOVES, THE HATS, THE DISHES. ALL THINGS THAT SCREAM "FEMININE!!"  THINGS THAT I HAVE PUT ASIDE LATELY FOR BASEBALLS AND MUD, TENNIS SHOES AND PLASTIC UNBREAKABLE PLATES. I DID BUY A PAIR OF GLOVES WHICH SEEMED TO TOUCH A VERY SENTIMENTAL NERVE.
  AS THE DAY WORE ON, THE QUESTION BECAME WHAT DO I DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE? DO I WANT A JOB? A CAREER? I SPENT SOME TIME IN JENNIFER'S WORKSHOP PONDERING WHAT I REALLY WANTED FOR MYSELF. TURNS OUT, I AM A LITTLE CREEPY WHEN IT COMES TO JOB SELECTION. TURNS OUT JENNIFER SHOULD HAVE BEEN A THERAPIST.
    NOT KNOWING WHO YOU ARE IS SCARY. BUT, DEAR CHILDREN, NOT GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BE WHO YOU ARE IS TERRIFYING. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU "WANT" TO BE. I AM NOT SPEAKING OF WHERE YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS. I MEAN RIGHT NOW. DO YOU HAVE OPINIONS THAT YOU DON'T EXPRESS BECAUSE YOU FEAR WHAT OTHERS WILL SAY?  DO YOU HAVE WANTS OR NEEDS THAT AREN'T BEING MET BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A BURDEN? IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT, BUT YOU DON'T THINK YOU DESERVE IT?  ARE YOU BEING A MARTYR SO OTHERS CAN LIVE ABOVE YOU? ARE YOU SETTLING AND LIVING A CONVENIENT LIFE AS OPPOSED TO LIVING EACH DAY SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE AND THINGS YOU LOVE? WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE YOUR TIME? WHEN?
    TODAY I CLEANED THE HOUSE IN ORDER TO a) FIND SOME SCOTCH TAPE AND b) GET RID OF EVERYTHING THAT DOESN'T SPEAK TO WHO I AM. THE KIDS DESERVE TO SEE THE REAL ME...I WILL NEVER BE THE GLOSSY, SHINY, PRETTY HAPPY MOM. I WILL, HOWEVER, ALWAYS BE THE HONEST ONE. AS THEY GROW OLDER, I REALIZE I NEED A LITTLE BIT OF ME BACK BECAUSE THEY NEED ME. THEY DON'T NEED A STAGNANT, UNEDUCATED, MOM WHO LIVES IN A BUBBLE. THEY NEED ME. ALL OF ME...NOW...MAYBE THE ANTIQUE STORE HAS A LILLE BIT MORE OF ME LAYING AROUND.

"good character is the paved road to happiness"~ mama shey