I Just want to Buy One More Thing...

        To my children,
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true."  ~LORD POLONIUS (Hamlet)

     Americans are somehow guaranteed credit cards as soon as they hit college. We have taught two generations that living in debt is not just easy and affordable but completely acceptable. The credit card companies have convinced us that if we qualify for a large loan that somehow equates us with the rich and deserving. It is as if we have gotten a gift. How many times have we  opened up a credit card statement and gotten giddy because they raised our limit. It's not a compliment. It's a way of saying, "We know we have you. Actually, we own you." I want you to understand the world as I see it. I want you to know why I live like I do.
   I bought my home when I was making $15,000 a year. I had a car that was bought second hand and paid for. When Albert and I got married, we waited about 3 weeks then cut up all of our credit cards. We already had enough debt and knew that our credit ratings were bad. What we didn't need was to add to that everyday pressure. What we needed was to get rid of our debt and not add anymore to it. Having a mortgage is debt enough.  
   I was working at the front desk of the hotel one day when two ladies decided to check in. They wanted to know everything about the Furniture Mart. The first lady whipped out her credit card and said, "I want a good room. I just got this in the mail and I have a $5,000 limit. We are going to go refurnish our house." Yes, she was bragging. In my world, $5,000 is close to what most of my neighbors pay for a year's mortgage payment. This woman was willing to spend a year's mortgage payment  on her new furniture, a night at a hotel and a few meals at Applebee's. And she was Proud of herself. She will, if she doesn't default, have this card in her pocketbook, making minimal payments for close to 15 years. She will be charging small things like socks and  underwear on it because her money is being sucked up in credit card debt and she cannot afford to go to Kmart and buy socks with a ten dollar bill. It's a cycle. She will miss a mortgage payment to pay the credit card bills so that she can buy groceries on the card and eat for this month. Then she'll have enough left over on the card  to go to the movies. The pattern will repeat indefinitely till she loses the house or defaults on the card. Then comes a lawsuit. Is this how you want to live?

How much does each American owe in credit card debt?  
"....Even with those changes, however, the average household reports credit card debts of $4,700, while lenders report an average balance per household of $7,134." ~NYT Jan 20, 2012

   So not only are Americans not paying their debts, they are underestimating how much they owe. But these same households who want to live the good life off their credit cards are killing themselves financially by paying interest on those cards. A $2,000 computer may end up costing you $4,000 if you constantly pay a minimum payment or you have to pay late fees. Think about what you want..one computer or one that costs the price of two? A gallon of milk may wind up costing $7.00. Make a choice now and make a promise to yourself.
       Going into debt for a home or a college loan is perfectly acceptable as long as you are determined to pay those loans off. This year Albert and I decided not to accept our federal tax return. Instead, we rolled it over to pay my student loan. I now have a great portion of my loan paid off. Did we need the money? You will always find that you need money, but what few people have learned is the difference between needing and wanting. We need to get this debt paid off more than we need to go on vacation.
  I know a woman who gets angry with her husband and goes to the store with credit card in hand and spends a few hundred dollars. She is punishing him while making herself feel better.  If he can't give her the things that she wants then she feels as if she is entitled to go get them herself. What she is doing is trying to fill  a void that love or money or food cannot fill. She is desperately grasping for something to make herself feel good. That, my children, has to come from within. If you feel that void, try rearranging your life, rather than  buying a new one.
  It is one thing to have financial difficulty that arises from lack of work or medical bills. There are many reasons why people suffer financially, but is credit card debt something else you want to add to your daily struggles?
  If you love yourself then work for yourself and let your money work for you. If you have debt, at least have a good insurance policy. Your children don't want your debt. And you probably don't want your children asking you what in the world you spent so much money on if you have nothing to show for it. Truth is, you didn't spend it on "living". Do you really want your kids spending their own money on you after you're dead?

    This year I promise to get things in order. I don't care what it costs me emotionally or socially, I will make sure my affairs are in order so that you don' t have to worry about "my" financial situation once I am gone. Just promise me that you will take care of yours when the time comes.

New Year...Old You? Never!!

     So, here we are. The new year has started and we have all made unbelievable resolutions...and we are all miserable. Christmas is hard. The number of people who spend Christmas and New Years in a state of depression is astronomical. Too too many. We are going to snap out of it Today and be great, vibrant, well adjusted members of society...or at least fake it and make people jealous. Ready? GO!

 1. This month we will spend 20.00 on a Christmas present for 2012. Find something unique and interesting at an antique shop and buy it for the mother, mother-in-law, bus driver...somebody.

2. We will take the credit card in our wallet with the smallest balance ( I am hoping that would be between 50.00 and 100.00 dollars, if not call me) and we are cutting it up and paying it off. You can do this by simply NOT going to the steakhouse once this month and by skipping 3 meals as a family at the fast food joint. Do Not Re-Apply for credit card.

3. We are Not going to join a gym. We will go to the dollar store and  purchase one pedometer. We will wear it on Friday. Saturday and Sunday. If we do not walk 2500 steps each day, call me. Okay, also on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we will carry a notebook in which we will write down everything (no cheating) we eat. We are NOT counting calories, we are simply getting honest about what food goes in our mouths and how much we are moving each day.

4. We will sit at the dining room table 2 nights a week as a family.

5. We will take the animals before the end of the month and get them rabies shots. (something like $7.00 at local animal shelter)

 6. We will replace the batteries in the smoke alarms and get a carbon monoxide detector. ($25.00 at Lowe's )


   When I was a teenager, I had a studio apartment and lived alone. I had these pictures of supermodels on the bathroom door. I looked at  their make-up, their clothes, their hair. I idolized those girls. I wanted to be THAT pretty. I wanted to be able to walk in a restaurant and get free food and have fabulous friends and just be all around glamorous.  It was easy to let their shiny faces get me depressed and keep me in sweats and tee shirts. It still is. What I have learned is that if I get up with a good attitude, brush my hair, and put on some half decent clothes, people do stop and respond. It is about attitude. Maybe we will never be supermodel thin or gorgeous...but a few good sales, a few good haircuts, and a love of self with a selfless heart can make us supermodel cool this year. Take care of you because we always say..." Well, when the kids move out I want to..." Take care of yourself now. All my love.

Life is Hard, Coke is Good

  Any child psychologist will tell you that kids need authority, they crave boundaries and fall in love with adults who who keep them safe rather than keep them happy. They respond to traditions and rules.Christmas brings out the kid in all of us and let's face it, we need boundaries too  at this time of year. Christmas is depressing for lots of people because as we get older the holiday gets harder. Not only are we trying to meet the expectations of those kids in our lives, but we are fighting that kid in us that knows another lousy Christmas without that model airplane or Barbie doll is facing us. We never get past those Christmas heartbreaks. Maybe that's why, as parents, we try to break the bank in order to make sure our kids are never disappointed? It's a question, not a statement.
    What can we do as adults, adults who face another year without our best friend, our father, or our spouse? Do we let Christmas get harder and rebel against the beauty of the holiday or do we give ourselves boundaries and traditions? Are we zombie- walking our way through the season or are we really embracing it? Facing a Christmas without a loved one is hard. Cut yourself some slack and do something comepletely inside the norm.
    After Walt died the question the kids had were about the traditions Walt had: were we as a family going to continue those traditions? It hurt a little that the kids had such little faith, after all most of Walt's traditions were in effect when I was a child so of course I didn't know any other way to get through life. We had a tradition on the Fourth of July. Then came a tradition at Thansgiving which gave us a taste of what Christmas would be like. Traditions give us not just something to look forward to, but something "normal" to look forward to. Something that puts the rest of your year into perspective and provides definite boundaries and defines who you are as a person and a family.
   The greatest gift that you can give yourself is the gift of tradition. In our family on Christmas Eve we eat together, light the Christmas tree, drive around and look at lights, light a fire, and have a Coke. Does it make up for the heartbreak or the losses that we have endured during the year? No. But it gives us a respite from all the noise and all the crazy. It makes us feel safe... and like children, it is  safety that all we look forward to when the world seems out of control.
   Christmas, for my kids, will always be a glass bottle of Coke, so if you drive past the cemetary this week don't be suprised if there is a bottle on a grave...some habits are hard to break. Thank G-d some habits are hard to break.

Trying to Keep up With You

    I only learn because I am willing to listen. I only listen because I have concluded that I need to learn. Today I have reasoned that I walk among great intellectuals who are  willing to shatter my illusions and give me truth, not happiness, not complacence but real truth. Fairy tales are lovely, opinions are many, but truth found rolled in evidence is the clear winner in my life.  Truth may not ever bring us joy but it will always bring us right round to peace.
    Here's  to anyone who has ever tossed vanity aside and said, give me peace. Here's to those who proclaim that living a lie isn't propelling them.  Here's to those who take their pain in large doses today so that tomorrow they can say, "I now know the truth and can move forward." 
    I wish you peace.

Tithing in a Greedy World

     The church, she is a changing. Membership is down, people are angry, people are lost, and televangelists have been investigated by Congress. We have more than a few problems. The economy is not our friend.  We may be meeting in living rooms or  at kitchen tables and some of us deign to meet online, but there is help in meeting the needs of the world even without a home church. 

    How do I tithe without money?

      In the scriptures we learn of blood sacrifice. Something was killed as an atonement for our sin or something was killed as a celebration for G-d's faithfulness. Villagers also brought  their livestock into town to gift to the church. In this age of technology how to we offer a tithe to show our gratitude? It starts with prayerful meditation. If we aren't spending time with G-d, then we don't know what we are being called to do or give up as an offering. We need to start by sacrificing time away from the computer or TV. Our greatest tithe comes from giving of ourselves and meeting G-d. Tithing should be something quiet and sacred. It should be shrouded in a little mystery. It should be bathed in respect. If tithing isn't personal, then we have failed and offered an empty tithe.
    In some cultures, after bread has been broken some of the food is set aside as an offering. After the meal the food can be taken outside and left for G-d. We are in essence feeding his creatures. We should never throw food into a trash can when a lot of us have backyards where we can feed the birds or the dogs, or just simply fertilize the ground so our crops can grow strong. You have neighbors with composting bins, they will be happy to take your left-overs. If you see someone in your neighborhood being called on by Meals on Wheels, you may already have a place to take a plate of food.
    I have many friends that sew or crochet. Using materials that we already have to create a coat or blanket is a lovely and personal way to tithe. Sitting with friends at a rest home or doing physical labor around a local school or park is one way to put others needs above our own. Spending a day inside a park on a trail picking up trash is an excellent way to be in communion with G-d while doing work that meets many needs. Is recycling a way to tithe? Absolutely. How you deal with all of your "blessings" after you are finished with them says a lot about your character. Food, clothing, furniture all wind up in dumps unless you are willing to take the time to feed and clothe people who need help.  There are plenty of businesses that would gladly take your "trash" and make them treasures. If you feel G-d gave you something, shouldn't you ask if he expects it to wind up in a landfill or if there is somewhere else it could go.

How do I tithe with money?

    Your first course of action is to find out why you want to tithe. And if you find yourself feeling vain or flaunting your help, you are wasting every one's time. I am not talking to you. If you record your tithes so that G-d can borrow your money until Uncle Sam can pay it back, I am not speaking to you. You have an agenda that  I cannot help, nor do I want to.  Giving for the good of G-d because you want to, knowing that you won't miss the money is what I am talking about. G-d doesn't need to borrow your money. Technically G-d doesn't need you, but tithing is about faith and belief, and you GIVE. You just simply give expecting nothing in return. You give because you're happy, you give because you know poverty.
      What are our choices if we are without a church, without a church that we financially trust, or even without that deep faith? We start in our community. We start at the schools, the day cares, the prisons, the libraries, the soup kitchens, the nursing homes. 10 dollars a week equals 520 dollars a year. That is actually a Huge drop in the bucket for many programs. Can you imagine if someone walked up too you and handed you a check for 520 dollars?  A Habitat House can average about 7 thousand dollars depending on donations and help as well as location. You could  help fund  a house. You could provide therapeutic riding lessons for kids in need. You could provide coffee and breakfast for those people who work at voting polls. You could buy text books for a kid at community college.
   Once you find your passion, and that's what it should be: passion, everything becomes a little easier. Writing a check is easy. You let G-d take the responsibility for the outcome, but when you become personally involved in your tithing, then you will find that you have a longing to reach your goals and you really learn to love the experience. You also learn about listening and you'll find G-d speaking in every corner of your community.
 
What I don't need to do

If you won't eat it, do not donate it to those "less fortunate". They are human beings loved by G-d. If a package is damaged, open, or out of date, you have animals that might eat it, but if you won't serve it on your table, don't serve it on G-d's.

If you won't wear it, don't give it to a sister in Christ. Dress people as if they have some respect for themselves...There are dry cleaners and shoe repair shops that make it a point to repair or clean clothing so that it can be donated.

Don't talk about it. There is a passage in the bible that talks about being alone in a closet when you pray. Matthew 6.6 I think. Being alone in G-d, with G-d, it is an intimate relationship. If we cannot respect that moment then it's all for nothing. Tithing is a way to pray, a way to communicate with the Lord. If we don't feel that connection, if we don't feel completely humble in our ability to give, then  we're doing it wrong.

Don't let the world get you down. So you give a kid a coat and 3 days later you find it on the playground. It's not okay to stop giving. Things will happen. Coats will be forgotten, food will spoil. It's not your fault and G-d isn't "wasting" your money. Some of our greatest lessons in life come when we look back on what we wasted and what we threw away. We learn to be humble and greatful. Sometimes life just gets in the way...it doesn't mean that every gift that you give will be wasted. It just means that some things take time.

Treat yourself like a human being and pretty soon you'll be treating everyone like that.~Mama Shey

So, This Guy I Dated Was Right.

     As I stood at the pulpit looking at a group of people, most of whom I was lucky enough to know, it dawned on me that very few of them knew each other. That's the great thing about funerals, you are surrounded by people that share your grief. The problem is, most often they are strangers, not just to you but to each other. A funeral is a time when the truth of a person's  life is exposed. Remember all those movies where the family is at a funeral and the mob shows up? Or maybe the mistress? Or a long lost child arrives to collect the inheritance? Sounds fun and slightly uncomfortable, but really, do we not judge a man by the friends he keeps?
   I realized that very few of the people in the congregation the day of Walt's funeral knew each other. They may have known "of" each other, but his really close friends who seemed from my perspective to have a lot in common, didn't know one another. I found my challenge that day , and I have enjoyed testing my priorities over the past year.
    My first order of business is to be your friend whether you want me or not. I WILL like you. There is nothing you can do about. I will face book bomb you, I will mail you a card, I will call you at dinnertime. I have telemarketer training. You are screwed. I am here. We are friends. Roll your eyes and get over it. I want to be your friend...but life is hard.
    I want my kids to know a few things. In this world that we live in, it is hard enough to make a marriage work. Two people who live together and have the opportunities to see each other daily still cannot make time for each other. I am raising numerous kids and am grateful for a man who takes his turn with them. They go to movies, they go out to eat, they go on vacations without me. There is some bonding going on there somewhere. But somewhere between work, marriage and family I want to make time for friends. I don't want to wait until I am retired to make friends a priority.
   Years ago I dated a guy who travelled extensively. He was rarely at home and commented that I was so lucky to live in the same town I grew up in. I had real connections, deep friendships, I had a community. In all honesty, he made me want to cry because I had none of that. I was young and I didn't have any of what he spoke of. He changed my way of seeing my world. Yes, I loved  my job but it really was where I got my social needs met. It wasn't just a job it was my life.
    As you grow older and leave high school you will be drawn back to your hometown and to the people that you grew up with. I hope that you won't see them in that same high school drama filled bright white light that you were so used to. I hope that you take time and get to know them as adults. You need friends, and I need friends. You nor I need to be one of  those last minute friends that show up when things get bad and talk about all the regrets, but real friends. This means that you have to make an effort. I know someone who says, "Well, so and so never calls, so I guess they are done with me." You have to be a friend, not just be on the receiving end of friendship. This becomes harder and more apparent as you get older. Make time.
   Now, for the diabolical part: I want my friends to know one another.  From now on when you come home from the grocery store you will not say,"Hey, I saw Mama Shey's friend today." No, from now on you will say, "Hey! I saw MY friend at the store."  How awesome. I want my friends to hang out together. I want a world where I introduce you to each other and a new friendship grows. There is no end to the friendships available at my fingertips. That game of 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon is funny...but I would prefer something along the lines of 3 degrees of Mama Shey. I know this will take hard work on my part. Being a friend is a full time job, but it's what I want and I want to set that example for my kids. In high school we are relegated to Team Nerd, or the Band Geeks, or the Cheerleaders but as we grow up we need to see that we have surrounded ourselves with people we like, why shouldn't they like each other? Why do we still categorize our friends as those I   play cards with or those I go shopping with? And when someone reaches out to try and be your friend, don't judge them. Just give them a chance.
     And when it comes time to congregate at my funeral,  I hope you don't all fight over who gets to sit where, but more importantly, I hope nobody has to be introduced.


Great friendships can be built by someone who sees the potential in you to brighten their day. ~Mama Shey.




  

Making It About the Money

  We are going to  make it through Christmas...and here's how.

  1. Clean out a space in your closet or your spare room for a HUGE empty box.Cut the top off of the box. Wrap said empty box is colorful, happy paper.

2. Cut up your credit cards and sprinkle them like fairy dust into colorful happy box. Consider this your first Christmas present to your family.

3. Get a notebook. Write down on the first page in big bold type what year it is. Then make a list of everyone that you want to give presents to. (If this list is over 25 people, skip to #4 immediately.)

4. Inventory the adults in your life who talk about what they want for Christmas..not about what they are giving but about what they want. Pick 2 that you don't love and mark them off your Christmas list. If you are one of those adults.....give this blog to your significant other and learn your lesson.

5. Go shopping. But not for "fun" stuff. You will be going to the dollar store and buying 10 dollars worth of tape, wrapping paper, scissors, and a pen. Also buy yourself a cute little storage basket to keep these things in. You may not ever loan them out to children, especially teenagers. Ever.

6. Your goal is to put back at least 20 dollars a week for Christmas. The higher your income, the more you can put back. This starts the first week of January, no kidding. If you cannot trust yourself with cash, then go to your favorite store and start collecting gift cards. Every week. You are not giving gift cards for Christmas. What you are doing is hoarding some serious money for a rainy day when you need out of the house and need retail therapy. Except, you aren't using the credit card, and you aren't shopping for YOU. If you cannot do this, we need to talk. As in, you need to be yelled at by me.

7. Don't buy random gifts. Buy for the specific person. If you go to Target and buy the pre-wrapped gifts, then you have wasted money on gifts and you'll wind up giving those gifts to people you don't like or neighbors you never see, just to get rid of the gifts..not cool. Wasted money is not cool. You should feel guilty. Christmas gifts jump out at you throughout the year. You have to be prepared to have money and KNOW who you are buying for.

8. Buy for their hobbies. I collect stuff. Most people do. Taa-daa. Now you know what to get me. The antique store is actually the greatest place to shop for Christmas. It becomes personal. You have to put thought into it. No more lotion, no more gloves, no more cheap perfume from the drug store. This is Christmas, put some love into it.  If you don't know what to get them, then you don't know them enough to share Christmas with them. (the end).

8. Create your own gift baskets for the gardener, the teacher, the artist. You can have tons of fun with retail therapy if you are shopping at Lowe's, Bed Bath or Michael's if you push yourself to get creative.

9. Your kids may want big ticket items. That's fine. You may want to give those to your kids...just make sure you aren't seeing these wishes as demands. If it's not FUN to watch them open the presents, then your whole family loses. (The same could be said for you.)

10. As soon as you bring your gifts into the house, take a few minutes. Pat yourself on the back, and wrap them!! You have everything you need: wrapping paper, tape, a big box to put the presents in, and a notebook so you know what you have bought. You are Christmas. You have a little Christmas each and every month! Unless you just saved up allll those 20 dollar bills for one gigantic shopping spree in December! Wow is all I can say! Have FUN!

Now for the hard part.
11. Make sure you stop by the local elementary school the week before Christmas and drop off a new coat. The principal will know who needs it. Stop in at the local soup kitchen and offer a gift card to a grocery store or food from your own garden. Stop by the local prison and drop off stamps, greeting cards, books and magazines.  Go by the local school and give money to the principal for a field trip, there are always kids who cannot pay for field trips and the teacher usually pays out of pocket. Tell the school secretary that you want to buy a yearbook for a kid that cannot afford one. Feed the teachers breakfast one morning. There are nursing homes in your community that don't have corporate help, they may need blankets.  If you don't like people, then drop off old blankets to the animal shelter or give them a cash donation to help poorer families be able to get rabies shots for their pet. And if you have the extra money, then buy real presents for a family you know  who needs a Christmas hug. There are opportunities in your neighborhood. Be Santa!

So now you have shopped all year for Christmas and you have nothing else to stress over. Enjoy your Christmas bonus. Enjoy your time off. And maybe go out on Black Friday just to mock people. After all, you did get  that Strawberry Shortcake Doll back in October when it was 25 percent off.  HA!! You are so cool.